blog

5/31/2026

Made more patches and hung them on my christmas lights. I feel like one of those characters in a movie working on a crazy project that will change everyone's lives forever. However, my room doesn't look that crazy in comparison though.

5/30/2026

busiest dishwashing experience again. I got headaches after work it was so exhausting. i wanna quit as soon when my school begins. I'm never going to work as dishwasher inside a small kitchen again.
It was beautiful weather today though.

I made some patches for next weeks event at a squat where i'm going to sell them for cheap. The event is circus themed so everyone who's going to perform/sell has to do/make something in that theme. except the punk concerts i think but idk we'll see.

I started a couple days ago with 14 tests. I'm a bit late with making them tbh so i have to stamp most of them tomorrow and the day after.
Today i made 33 patches where a few of them failed, but i can reuse them easily.
First I thought i had to wait 5 days in order to let them fully dry, but no, someone from my internship who works at my artschools workshops says i could leave them dry for 3 days and then iron them in order to be washed. So that's awesome :p

So tomorrow i'm going to iron some of them and then finish the rest with stamping for the next 2 days.

Maybe you're wondering 'where did you get all these fabrics from??'
I easily got it from old clothes, thriftstores and free give-away shops. Make sure to be friends with a person who does fashion because i got most of these from her.

Yes even after doing something fun like this you can feel mentally exhausted. it happens.

5/29/2026

Spring got me feeling like the song 'let me know what U think' by TSUTCHIE.

I just saw The Point (1971) and it's sooo good. the songs are bangers and i wish i saw this when i was a little kid.

5/28/2026

Walked into 2 spiderwebs and got 2 flies flying in my mouth and another one got stuck in my eye. This never happened to me ever until now.
I didn't felt great anyway before all that happened.

5/27/2026

When i was cycling home from work i saw two women walking down the canal. One of them shook the other person grabbing her by the shoulders, getting real close to their face saying: 'you're so beautiful! you're so pretty!' mutliple times. They were both blushing it was so cute.

5/26/2026

Everything went wrong and i'm so slow with animation. My intern supervisor got a bit annoyed by it seems like 'why are his hands staying in the same place??' like it sounds like he's trying not to swear.
Everything wasn't good enough. I was busy with one fucking action and it didn't seem to damn work until the very end. Ugh.
fuck my animation life man.
But I still learned from it regardless.

5/25/2026

Mahjong tiles look so edible. Please can someone make kue lapis mahjong tiles??
When I was little I saw a movie where there were people playing the game in one scene and I thought they were playing with food because they looked so edible, but no.
I want to learn how to play it but I don't know anyone who wants to play it with me T^T.

5/24/2026

You ever work on a project on your laptop and suddenly your laptop crashes and everything is gone? I was crying after i lost my animated smoke and had to redo everything because it wasn't saved well. But I ended up making the smoke even better, so everything did end up alright.
I can't show it here because it's for a graduation movie.

My neighbour's cat always shows up in our garden because she claimed it. She's been here for so long, for 13 years maybe. I love her so much she's so cuuttee.
I can't imagine our garden without her tbh, and I don't want to think about her being gone. Ugh she had kittens when I was 12 and they were so adorable. they spend a lot of time with their mom and played around in our garden.
I don't know exactly how old she is now so I'm already thinking about her not being here one day. I'm definitely trying to spend as much time with her as possible.

Everytime I see cats in general I just want to hug them for eternity. This big feeling of finding them so cute makes me cry sometimes.

5/23/2026

My dishwashing job get's a bit more managable because i work together usually on saturdays with a really nice coworker.
i was able to quit earlier today because there was a new person coming over for a 'test day' where they would see if they would like the job or not. i started earlier so my coworker had to explain everything to the potential new employee. That's why i got to go home earlier which is chill. Gosh every lunch break is heaven because they get to make awesome lunch for me with very tasty spreads on bread.
Today was also insanely warm outside, i got a headache from the sun.

Suddenly i was longing for this specific feeling again when i was a child, where i felt super excited hanging out with a best friend getting ready for a party. That was the first and probably last time i felt excited before going to a kids disco party. I really miss that specific feeling of excitement. That feeling blends with curiosity and positivity like you know it's going to be awesome but you also wonder how the night would go.
I wish i could feel that exact way every day when i wake up. Like the party would be any other activity that i have to do that day. I would be so excited and curious to get to know how the day will go with the thought in mind that it will be okay.
Wake up like you're getting ready for a party. Not almost every day. Other emotions need a place too. But gosh that sounds impossible.

ain't no way this is a dance dance revolution song. it goes fucking crazy.

Also I got a badgemaker.

5/22/2026

My intern advisor texted me saying i could go to a cafe to work on my things and she would pay everything for me. another awesome day after another i guess.
i made six full pages of character designs for another project where there are a total of 18 characters. It's insane, but the style is quite simple so you're done much faster.

i'm reallyy proud of this monky i NEED to animate them right now they're so cuuuttee.

5/21/2026

During my internship i got to make character designs for a different project. Apparently my design skills were pretty good and the visdev director who works on The Means Of Destruction asked me if i would like to create some character design ideas. So hellyeah i did, but i realized these character designs are a bit more advanced i had to really figure out how to make them funny and stand out. I learned a lot from it. One of the other directors really liked this one:

and asked if he could ask the visdev director to clean it for a thing (to fully animate the character for something) so i was like hellyeah why not.
It's such a huge compliment from people who work in the animation industry.

during lunch break we grabbed some icecream.

5/20/2026

wack day because i just suddenly felt down. Well, i kinda know why but i won't tell.
i tried to exercise the bad mood out of me but it didn't really work. So I key animated something. I'm planning to animate this one completely to put it in my showreel BEFORE going to Annecy because i NEED a STUDIO internship. Also i'm going to try to animate ponyo but idk if that's going to be done quickly.

5/19/2026

I had an appointment at the dean because i wasn't sure how to finish my unfinished projects and it's quite a lot. I've decided to take an extra year to take it slow.
I got two options: i can do another internship in the first months and then finish the rest of the assignments. Or i can work on assignments, quit school for a bit, do something else for myself and then sign myself up for school again to graduate.
The last one is financially cheaper but damnb it would be cool to do an extra internship at a studio.
Yeah or i'm going to finish all my assignments before this summer...

5/18/2026

I woke up from a weird nightmare with nice things in it but most things made me stressful. So i got heart palpitations which sucked. And then i thought if people foreal got heart attacks in their sleep would they wake up from it and notice or would they experience a nightmare and then die or. What are they even dreaming about when they die while their heart dozes off? Like if your heart suddenly races suuuper fast what happens in your dreams if that happens? i only experienced nightmares, but i didn't got a hear attack thankgod. but it could be different for heart attacks maybe, but idk since the body kind of mirrors the brains activity.
Like is it really peaceful to die in your sleep?
agh i'm scaring myself with this. During this entire day I felt dizzy and tired. I hope to be well rested tomorrow because I got a very very important meeting.

5/17/2026

I woke up a bit late today because of yesterday. I hungout with M again to go to another town i never went to in my life. We went there for a lecture about the a collection about left-wing political prisoners in Russia. Because of their beliefs and activities they got imprisoned by the russian government.
Activists from the Post-Soviet Left released a book about them called 'Unheard Voices'. We got a lecture by one of the members who managed to escape russia with a few other people. They're trying to spread the message around to make these stories be heard.
You can read more about it on their website with the full book.

After the lecture we were able to buy the book and then me and M hungout around the city chilling in the park and then went home to eat at his house.

5/16/2026

After work i hungout with kat in the squadbuilding. This was their last week before leaving the place.
I met someone else in their group today as well. only me kat and loes were in there i guess. Lo made dinner while me and kat were creating some ideas for the patches i'm going to make.
K was also busy with fixing her bike she stole. She has a thing with stealing too many bikes trying to fix them to use them again. But like it's literally an insane amount. She has 15 bikes or something.

During dinner while K and Lo were talking they just look like main characters in a movie with they way how they talk with eachother. They got different opinions about some things and then they still find something similar in something else. idk, i can't describe exactly how the conversation went but their dynamic is just art.

After dinner i played music with Lo while K played minecraft streaming it on the big beamer in the room. Lo is really good with playing the guitar. I played on the bass for a while and then switched to the keyboard fucking around with the nobs. The room was dark and lo wanted to put on her sleeping mask while playing because she didn't got the time to relax this whole week.

She loves experimenting with the guitar. She actually hates the instrument. She hates everything about it: the sound, the shape, the way how you play it, the frets, just anything. However, she still loves it regardless, so she tries to play the guitar differently.
The chords she sometimes played reminded me of Micah Preite. And then she recommended me the song 'Broken Harvest" by Madison Cunningham.
The jam sounded meditative and we were put into this specific trance. We both felt tired and made pretty good ambience. There was this really good song we played but i forgot to record it. So now i only have a recording of something else but that one was still alright.

It saddens me that the days go by too quickly. But i also can't complain because i wish to be out of this hellscape of work and school.
I want to hangout with people and create things i want to create with them or alone.

5/15/2026

I went to this art market to a town i've never been to to give someone some prints they bought from me. I also bought some prints from them because they're awesome.
And they told me they're insanely inspired by my art and that they're a fan so that's insanely flattering. I'm going to help them with their comic they're currently writing so i can draw the panels as commission which i'm super excited to work on, after summer obviously.

There were so many other cool artists and i bought some other stuff from them. There was a guy who came up randomly to me to talk to me and i wasn't prepared at all so i was being insanely awkward. He wanted to play a game with me and wanted to know what i drew and stuff. I didn't know what to draw so he said i could maybe draw him and i did. He wasn't an artsy person, he just came here to see some ppl he knows as well. Dude i'm getting scared when strangers come up to me to talk.

Another problem was that i thought i would eat something near this place but nothing was open. No food was being sold at the market as well, so i didn't eat till 12am.

The craziest thing is that when i walked to the trainstation in that town, there was this neighborhood that looked a lot like the neighborhood from my dreams one time. In that dream that place was just backrooms, so when seeing that in real life I tripped the fuck out.

When i came back to my towns trainstation at 12am I finally ate some kebab. Thankgod i saved up an apple on the way.

5/14/2026

My cousin and her new boyfriend wanted to come eat at my place. My dad was cooking my grandma's special recipe, it was really good.
It was nice to see her again. It was a bit awkward though, I was so scared it would be the most awkward dinner ever but luckily it went alright.
They talked a lot about their time traveling around indonesia visiting her family. Her bf kept talking about motorcycles and how he makes them and how he keeps driving them without a license. My dad talked a lot because he knows about motorcycles too.

Right after dinner when they left, I hungout with farah and two of her other friends. We were searching for some fabrics for the patches that i'm going to make. They're going to look sooo fun and unique because i've never seen patches that have a pattern on them on the fabric, which we're gonna use.

This day sounds like fun, but if you’re struggling with insecurity, days like this can feel awful, and everything takes so much energy, even talking.
When I hangout with people I just wanna die.
I need a good cry once in a while.

5/13/2026

I called out of work today again. My brain is super fried also because of bad sleep and I still feel really bad.
My parents are pretty strict when it comes to sickness. Only when you're physically sick you can skip work, not when you're mentally feeling down. So ofcourse they will pressure me to go. So I lied going to work and now I'm hanging out at the library near my house.
I'd rather want to hang at the big library downtown but it's super rainy.
Sitting here makes me very sleepy though.

Observations from the library window to kill boredom and my awful mood:

firefighters carrying carrots and other vegetables to their truck
A garbage truck with a spider-Man plushy attached to the front
a guy carrying a box filled with random stuff including banana's
chicken getting roasted at a kebab shop outside in a big microwave with the menu card standing next to it. The menu looks quite tasty.
yellow car
Shit ton of onions and potatoes in bags put infront of another shop
A dad helping his kid cross over the highway
A woman with a red backpack with the number 63 printed in large letters on it
It starts raining
bright blue car that has the same color like the sky i wish to see today
people carrying grocery carts with their groceries to their cars
A truck stops in front of this building with a text on their window saying something about their grandpa? I read it first like: 'that's my grandpa yeah?', but I'm not sure if that's the text. I'm mad i can't read it because I have a feeling there's something funny
two women kissing eachother goodbye around the bags of onions.
A man carrying a bag of food seems to forget something from the store and ran back. He came out with another bag.
The doors of the backrooms of this store have finally opened. i'm curous whats inside
the truck is still here and i'm trying to read the grandpa text in reverse but it's impossible. They're loading products out the truck into the backrooms.
Someone bikes a cargobike with their child in it
Nothing really happens right now
A woman cycles with her transparant umbrella completely covering her to her shoulders. Looks kinda like wearing a helmet
Someone wears a bright red poncho.
Woah I want the confidence of a person walking straight in one line across the busy parking lot entering a shop and leaving again after 2 seconds.
crows fly around
There's construction on one other building, but there's no one today yet
I see some diy looking thing on a rooftop of these shops that looks like a hut that kids would play in, or it could be protecting certain ventilation systems. I have no idea
A guy walks around with a backpack filled with bread where one is slightly poking out while he's carrying another bag of bread in his right hand.
I have accepted that i can't read the grandpa text. the truck leaves.
NEVER MIND a white car passed the window of the truck right before it left so i could read it. the text said: 'this is my grandpa's truck, yeah?'
I thought i saw my old friends band but it's just a bunch of people that looked a lot like them. Oh to be in such a great friendgroup
cute dove walking at the window in front of me. It flies away :(
A woman calls with someone and stands on a motor with one leg for support. She switches her legs sometimes. I dont' know if it's even her motor
3 boys film the crow on their fatbike. They try to feed the birds in front of the kebab shop and now they're surrounded by them.
The calling woman has found another support on a small pole. She's done calling.
2 little girls walk with their dad. One of them has 6 big pink balloons attached to them.
Green car that matches with the trees perfectly. I like that color
It looks like the flower shop begins to open. The first red bouquet of flowers gets put outside.

Welp shit I came home and my dad saw my bike near the library. I said I just grabbed a package but oh man, I might get caught. I hope not.

M texted me to join with him to bikewars so I did. There were hardcore punk bands playing it was fun. We also ate soup, lasagna with bruscetta and salad. It was on donation and pretty darn good. Le and F were there too. Me and L were talking about side quests we wanna do. He wants to build a tall bike, which is two bikeframes stacked on top of eachother, and then use it to joust with someone, so he needs to make two of them to make it work.
During this whole event I felt super wacky still, I hated it.

5/12/2026

I didn't know how fast my mood can change from yesterday to today. I feel a huge amount of sadness, anger, longing and jealousy trapped in me causing a sick feeling to my back and chest.
I called out of work.

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Sometimes i could sit in my room the entire day and my family would think i left the house.
Like today i stayed at home and no one saw me until i came downstairs and fully startled them. I guess during the times they would go out i would go downstairs to grab food and leave again.
Sometimes it feels like we're divided in a way. Only if someone is gone for a little too long alerts would ring.

Also i don't know what happened in this house but somehow we all don't really talk much so it's mostly quiet during dinners. Except my mom, she only talks about her work or politics a lot. My dad either talks about random facts and/or politics if we talk about his interests or else he's quiet. My brother is quiet. I'm just reacting and asking questions. That's how our dinners are like since my birth.
Well before i was 12 my mom would mostly come home when we were busy eating and my dad would eat fast to watch tv so he left me and my brother alone to eat at the table. It was still quiet alot of the time because in indonesian culture if the food is good everyone is quiet i guess. it can be a good sign but also i feel like i haven't got to learn how to communicate properly as a kid.

After my friend came over to eat once she told me we were so quiet it was the most awkward thing ever. That's why i never invite people to my house but i don't care tbh. Everytime i came over to other people's houses everyone talks about the most random shit they can think of, it was actually pretty fun to listen to. It feels like ours is structured like we got specific scripts in our pockets.

It's pretty fun to observe all these differences between families when they're eating together. Some would eat at the tv watching football and scream together. The other ones at the table are talking about life philosophies or who came first: the chicken or the egg, or about how you eat with chopsticks so i had to learn it to them and make a food mess, or the whole dinner experience became one big comedian stand up where you will choke on your food. They were all loud. I could never imagine my family doing that.
I don't know what to say or talk about so i react or ask questions when someone else starts talking. I think my family including me gets easily tired after a long day of doing things, so talking might take a lot of energy.
But there are times i think once a week where only me and my mom are having deep conversations about anything after dinner, so that's cool.

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I feel like a discusting goblin sitting all day in my room feeling like shit, combined with the dark weather.

5/11/2026

I am absolutely furious when people think they become prisoners in their own body someday.

STOP.

If you keep moving and keep taking care of your body and yourself YOU WONT.
I aspire to become a chinese grandma with insane mobility skills combined with the youthfull spirit of a fashionable baddie grandma from New York. PEOPLE, YOU GOT THIS.
YOU CAN STILL GET BITCHES WHEN YOU'RE GETTING OLDER. IT WILL GET EVEN BETTER.

My mom is in her 60s thriving traveling with her friends and even her friends get new partners and friends so heellooooo it's not the end of your life! keep that in mind!

Happy late mothersday btw. my mom keeps reminding me that getting older is such a gift and you will get happier if you keep your loved ones around you!
if you're surrounded by love you won't be imprisoned! iknow it's better said that done but you can start to work on it right now. but don't worry too much.

Today i had to pick up a package all the way to the middle of nowhere so i biked 27,4 km (17 miles) in total. It was really windy and i never experienced this level of wind before. My mouth was flapping around and i experienced a rollercoaster of anxiety, but i was okay eventually.

My new wonderful pants that i got didn't end up fitting me. I still keep it if i end up fitting it one day.

5/10/2026

woke up strangely feeling good after a cool dream i had. i walked around later in the day and bought some mango and burek.

i ended up listening to this old playlist i've made a long time ago and it reminds me of the time i made harry potter edits from cedric LOL, it was so cringe. i can't find the edits anymore it's really such a bummer tbh.
advice for everyone: keep all your cringe art and/or cringe video's! they're going to be absolute silly gems later.
i made more edits from anime and some other movies like the grand budapest hotel. i remember i made an edits account on insta but it's all gone and turned into ashes in the inevitable void.

5/9/2026

I was having lunch at work during my break, and I tried the sandwich with salad, nuts, rhubarb and ginger compote, and a kind of cream cheese that tastes like goat cheese. I don’t usually like goat cheese, but the combination with the rhubarb ginger compote creates a new flavor I’ve never tasted before, and it’s actually pretty good.
Work went fast. After that I spend some free time which I enjoyed. I forgot what I did exactly though.

5/8/2026

After the internship, I went to a punk concert with M where two bands were playing. One was super experimental and cool. The second one was cool too, but it wasn’t really my kind of music because of the vocals. But it was alright.
And I saw someone I hadn’t seen in a VERY long time. I’d met him through friends, and i joined his band in 2022 (it was trying to become a band) We’d jammed at his place a few times.
I still have the recording of one song that me, him and his (fuckup) friend made (he also has the same name as my brother which makes it more trippy for me). me on the piano, him on the drums and his friend on the guitar.
we recorded instrumentals that day and it was fully improv, but later i came up with the singing part but couldn't figure out lyrics that wouldn't cringe me out, so i'm just left with the melody. the recording is just a demo. it's a wacky recording now with my voice but whatever i guess.
literally a couple days after making that melody and wanting to show it to them, that fucked up friend did something that can't be forgiven. so we split up and they never got to hear it. it's fine tbh.

I still wanted to hang out with him (not the friend), but I was afraid to ask.
But today we’ve been talking again about things and what we’ve both been up to. I already knew we go to the same school but I didn’t know he sometimes went to my school building for a student gathering. They sometimes organize dinners there and everyone is welcome, so maybe I’ll go. It was nice to see him again; it felt like I needed something like this.

5/7/2026

i can hear my neighbor scrolling on reels out loud from my room.

mornings during spring and summer are the best and make me more motivated to become a morning person ngl. It's great to be up super early and have time for yourself before the grind begins. it's just the same feeling when you're 8 and wake up super early to watch adventure time.

do you ever do something and think about 5 or more random strangers in the world that could be doing the exact same thing? 8 billion ppl, there's definitely a chance.

why is everyone around me living my dream: being in a cool band, living in an apartment with friends or a partner, being beautiful, having met really cool friends for life and being super close to them, going out with them, going to the coolest places with friends.
shit i'm catching myself saying this crap. i need to stop caring.

omygod i also got in this art group/community (pulp) with CRAZY COOL animators and some of them are going to annecy as well and we'll probably have a meet up sooooo my social battery is going to get drained the fuck out. ill be meeting up: - a bunch of new art people from that community group - all my swiss friends - more people who worked on means of destruction - and my classmates again
i think ill be drinking every day again like 2 years ago. i hope not though.
i'm so fucking excitteeddd i can't fucking wait to see new cool films and hang around with awesome people and go on adventures. i don't want to expect too much though i just have to forget about it again before going. i swear every time i think about all the amazing scenarious before the event happens it WON'T happen so i HAVE TO literally forget about it until the day comes.

5/4/2026

wacky cloudy weather but it was pretty hot regardless. i walked around the park behind my house and tried to find good spots to chill at for future visits.
i found a spot but people can look down on you so it's kinda wacky.
then i found this cool hut across from it further away.
i have to find better safer spots for me to chill at. i absolutely don't want to get ticks. i really want to find a cool spot away from everyone else.
i wish we had mountains man.
also i found these snails with blue shells??? like woah

5/2/2026

The longest day I’ve ever had. I worked from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., then I went to change and headed straight to the rave protest in the city, which had been going on since 1 p.m. There were carts with sound systems playing different kinds of tekno music, and a cart with punk bands. We were protesting against wars, fascism, and the housing crisis. This is organized every year, and this is my third time going. It’s always super fun and enjoyable.
I had met up with M, and we walked along with the crowd. I also ran into F again. She and her friends had decorated the front float where the punk bands were playing. It looked really cool. I enjoyed the mosh pit. I really needed that.
We walked past all those fancy buildings where people were looking out their windows, and there was a guy from one of the bands who said to them, “Shout out to these people on the balcony.” Then he said something else that he worded in a genius way, but he meant that they won’t be living there much longer hahah.
It all felt peaceful. But unfortunately, a few people got arrested for being topless??? Which is total bullshit when it’s fucking 75°F outside, like??
The whole point is that everyone should be able to dress however they want and be whoever they want to be, but then the police have to come and mess it up?
bro tons of people in parks walk around half naked because of the heat and they don't get arrested? make it make sense.

anyways we ended up at the park and chilled for a bit and then we realized it was already 7pm and our bikes were all the way across town so we had to walk for a while. eventually we ended up eating at 9pm taking some food from a vegan place. it was pretty good but expensive unfortunately T^T. We ate by the canal, somewhere in the city where not many people go. It was a really great spot, ngl.

After i went to F's place and we watched broad city while we were waiting for the afterparty location. it started raining like crazy and then we got the information that it was 2 hour bike ride away from everything. so i decided not to go. there was another afterparty place somewhere closer but it was still far away. i was already too tired from everything.

And now I realize I forgot to bring the fabrics F had set aside for me for the patches i'm going to make.

4/28/2026

I keep forgetting i have an apple shaped cookie cutter. i better make good use of it so i want to make them tomorrow.
also i'm planning to find a really good spot for me to sit and hangout alone somewhere private outside. i miss spots like that. as a kid i was making a hut somewhere but it was an obvious place where everyone would walk past. so now i really want to find a secret spot, with a good pretty view, to just chill (without getting ticks).

fuck i kept scrolling and I HATE IIIIIITT. yes i should delete all my socials. but also no, because as artists its almost impossible to not get recognition through online if you want to make a living off your work. it's awful. i want to do commissions, i want to connect with other artists and collaborate to work on something really cool. we have to advertise our work in some way to get funded and to show the people what they want to see. but it's so paradoxal because yes we have to use reels or youtube to advertise it, but also fuck reels because it's not good for our brains if we would keep scrolling the entire day.
youtube is chill tho, i never look at shorts anyways. but what i have seen from so many artists, they really need multiple platforms to reach their audience to make a living. so rn i'm stuck to social media, which sucks.
anyways, i should go on a walk and find that cool spot maybe to clear my mind.

4/27/2026

i got a lot of cool loot from the kingsday market (fuck the monarch tho, fuck the royal family)

anyways, i spend a day with my mom looking around with only just the thought of 'ooo theres so much nice stuff these people sell at their front doors.'
then i hungout with M at a squatted place. K was there too fixing his bike. damnb this squatted place is about to be emptied in a month it's so sad. it's prbably going to stay empty for more 10 years fs.
i was eating pizza with M with a cool view on the city from the attic. i forgot to take a pic aaghh. he loves talking about drama and dating life lol. yeah congrats sleeping with the guy from the lending department from school after 3 and a half years. i experience nothing thrilling in my life.
and then we hungout at his place to play deltarune.

4/25/2026

work was chill because thankgod i worked with someone else together. i had a pretty good lunch break too eating foccacia.

went home and went out for a walk through the neighbourhood where my middle school is at. the playground has drastically changed a long time ago when i went to highschool. the playground got crazy slides and more nature as if you're running through a jungle or something. It used to be so empty with just a few playground structures. it was still fun tho.

man, thinking about the books i read as a child were just books that no one else read because they were horror and totally random. i didnt' read the famous ones except 'series of unfortunate events.' but i forgot the rest of all the horror books names unfortunately. as a child my attention span was already shit, i had to go to therapy. i only read horror books because they made me incredibly curious what would happen next obviously. they add lots of build up and scary moments that will keep you on the tip of your chair. all the other book themes were just too boring to read for me.
there's this book that's probably lost media now because i can't find it anywhere, but it was a book with just pictures. it was super dark and scary. fully made with only pencil. a girl was trapped in a house and you'll see weird shit happening in there to the point she probably doesn't know what's real or not real. but idk the full story anymore but those pictures were just so scary i loved them.
i need to go back to my horror era. i played those horror texting games every night before sleeping. it's just a game where you're texing with someone in a horror situation it's so funny for me it was thrilling to do for some reason. i made small horror stories with creepy creatures in there. i lost them all now.
every france vacation when we would camp near the woods i would think that there's a creature living out there somewhere that's lurking for people to eat.
oh also i wanted to be a witch too. my life plan was foreal to live in the woods with a cool view, become friends with the animals, make lots of potions, making soup, having a black cat for company and i would do research on mushrooms while i befriend the spirits in the woods. Also i would have a vegetable garden groing pumpkins. i would be totally independent from everything and everyone. i would live near a city to do some groceries or go out to do something fun. it's insane that i thought about this as a kid. it slowly becomes a plan i would genuinely do. OH OH OH maybe i would own a cafe or bakery somewhere too if i could do that but idk.

p.s.: i found out today that my adult swim ident is going to be shown at the Stuttgart International Festival of Animated Film with other idents that my classmates made. the first time my movie gets shown on a festival! i've heard about ITFS before, but i never thought they would show it there.

4/24/2026

finally i'm free, kinda. tomorrow i have work in the morning till 4pm. i HOPE someone else helps me that day because previous week was FUCKED UP i became dizzy of the amount of stress.

anyways, i love watching eternal family where you get to see random old shorts about acne but it turns out its an ad for this acne product or something. i like random shorts mixed with the coolest movies/shorts on there. it feels like you're watching stuff on dvd instead of online lowkey.

4/22/2026

was writing new story ideas for my graduation movie. and during that i got help from the coworkers and we decided to make it funny. and while i was trying to make a funny story it was so bad. and i absolutely hate sharing stories with people tbh. you're incredibly vulnerable because this story comes from your brain and you're trying to tell something. and i sat with that uncomfortable feeling the entire day which made by day just terrible.
i felt super weird after telling an unfunny confusing story to my coworker it was so bad.

after that, i went to play tennis and tried to move that awful feeling out of me. in general i think im not funny but this just felt embarassing.

4/20/2026

From now on, i have Mondays off, so today i decided to do something. So i rode my bike to a river far from my house and just chilled out on a bench or something. Before i got there, i bought some noodles and filled a thermos with hot water so i could eat them there while reading Tokyo These Days.
eating noodles outside somewhere in the middle of who knows where is so chill. it's like i don't have to worry about anything.

oh and i got this song recommended by my bf called Sunny Day by Abandoned Pools and it's such a fucking banger.
My mom just ordered sushi. my day can't get any better.
recently i'm trying to play Wyoming on the piano and it goes pretty well. it's such a nice song. i've been meaning to learn how to play new songs because i've been playing a lot of songs on repeat for the past 6 years, partly so i don't forget them as well.

4/18/202

I just had the most intense work day ever because i had to clean up alone because no one else was able to take the dishwash shift at 12 to help me. luckily the cooks helped me, but it was still so much. i take my words back with thinking it would be chill to work here. but we'll see how it goes.

Also i have a shit ton of new outfits i should add to my closet here.

i'm so happy the sun is out more. i can't explain how excited i am for summer, man. it's insane i can't fucking wait. especially Annecy Animation Festival because it's going to be the biggest reunion for me. I'm going to meet up with my friends from Switzerland, and ill see my classmates again lol. AND i can't fucking wait to meet new people.
There was one awkward moment when someone from Paris offered to maybe join her and her class at a campsite. But she still had to check if there was room. Then we had a whole conversation about biking, and she said she wasn't really good at it, so I said:“Oh, maybe you could practice with friends or something.” she said: “Yeah, that’d be fun.” and then i said: “or i can teach you how to bike lol”
Dude, days after I said that, it feels like it might have come across as flirting, but I DIDN’T MEAN IT THAT WAY. I was just trying to be nice. i dont even know if that comes off as flirting IDK i don't know anything about that anway. but sometimes i say things and people get weird or uncomfortable by it or they view the context differently and it sucks because i always view it as something nice.
There was also a time i was talking to this teacher in switzerland and we were just talking about music and a few of my classmates were standing next to me the whole time and when i was done with the conversation with him they said: 'ooo why were you flirting with the teacher???' BRO I WAS JUST ASKING QUESTIONS WHAT DO YOU MEAN??

4/17/2026

slept so bad yesterday that my internship superviser became a bit mad about it. that was just embarassing man. for the rest of the day i was just tired and brain empty it was so bad.
after work i did some workouts to make me feel better and it worked. most of the time you just feel too tired to workout. but believe me, just start with one exercise and you'll see you wanna try more if you have a specific goal. my goal is to get rid of my cracky knees and ankles while working on my entire body at the same time. i'm so tired of the cracky sounds i literally go crazy.

you ever just have so many plans that you don't know how to keep them going. for me it's with drinking water and eating yogurt. it's so simple yet so hard because habits are embedded into your brain like it's engraved on stone. but some other new habit i reached is eating more fruit. loving apples has made is so damn easier obviously. but everything takes time. if eating more fruit helps, then eating more yogurt and drinking water will help too. you know what they say: patience is key and keep going. i guess.
i also need to go on a walk more often.
agh, taking care of yourself is so hard. i want to reach the point where selfcare will be fun and chill. sounds depressing asfuck when i say that but recently i haven't been feeling great that i shower less which is discusting, iknow. everything takes so much energy, even putting on clothes. i've been meaning to go to therapy but i have no money so i try to do it myself by just working out at the right times of the day: morning strethes and workouts before sleeping. so far it's slowly working but i just need to be consistent.

sorry for this whacky rant. shit its late noooooo. i need to sleep. SLEEP, i need more SLEEP. aaaghh.

4/12/2026

agh this month will probably be the shittiest month, but i hope not. i skipped work today because i felt this intense tiredness taking over me and i wanted to do absolutely nothing. i needed this break but still i feel tired. thank god i told my internship i wanted less days so now i have one free day which is good.
tbh i'd rather want to do commissions than dishwashing but i don't have any ppl that want me to commission something for them rn. and my style changes all the time it feels like so that also sucks. i really wanna work on that but now with work it's impossible to do that. i just need money for my holidays and Annecy. why does everything have to be so fucking expensive, including my relationship.
i feel like these years are me just making the most awful decisions and learning from them, hopefully, to never do them again later.
i haven't dated anyone ever in my life until now, and suddenly shit's so damn complicated.

life can also be like one big humiliation ritual. embarass yourself, learn from it and move on. this shit hurts so bad you'd rather want to rip your skin off. and tbh when you talk about it later, it's more funny than bad. i always wanted to forget my most embarassing experiences so most of them are gone now.
But when i was a waitress i accidentally drank up the last beer order before sending it to the customers because everyone else was having a break already. oops. spilling a shit ton of cola and beer entirely on one client. i ate bad cheese and shat my ass off in the airport's toilets with lot's of reverb in it while there was a whole line waiting for me to be done (i heard lauging). making lots of mistakes on your second dishwash day while ppl thought i have lots of experience eventhough that was a year ago.
i couldn't reach a shelf with some kitchen utensils above the stove and my shirt got almost lit on fire. communicating badly because i didn't know how to do it properly and realizing i might sounded like a total bitch to them (i apologized many many times). as a waitress trying to match your clients humor but no one is laughing.
these are just small things. just lots of silly accidents that you'd rather want to forget because they make you feel incredibly bad about your reputation as a person.

but the big decisions ive been making is just stacking up and i hope i won't get a burn out. working besides internship because i want to have an awesome summer, but i also have to finish another big project for school. i wont be able to hangout with friends often, but i already do that. while also trying to manage ldr. all this doesn't feel embarassing, it's more tiring asfuck and i hope i could change something about it.

4/9/2026

i heard i can't do any more animation on the trailer because i'm quite slow which broke my heart. but what i can do is clean up which means copying the lineart onto the characters frame by frame. that was fine tbh. whatever.
after i went to the clothing swap F hosted and surprisingly a lot of people grabbed my clothes. i'm glad 3/4th of it is gone lol. it was quite overwhelming to me because there were a lot of people i don't know and i was too anxious to talk to them. i mostly talked to F and Le.
regardless of seeing them again i felt wacky. it happens ya know. me and Le might go hitchhiking some day which would be so cool. first we're going on a small trip and then for a bigger one maybe. we were hesitant to go all the way to annecy hitchhiking together but she doesn't know where she would stay so it's not gonna happen. agh it would've been pretty cool tbh because that would be such a cool inspiration for an animation movie.

4/8/2026

the weather is getting better yippeee. just a regular day today tho. nothing much happened, just work. tomorrow ill be going to a clothing swap venue thingy so that'll be fun. i reallly hope to find some gems.

4/7/2026

he dmed me to continue the conversation. He's going to Annecy as well. for me everyone fucking canceled the trip so i still have to find a place to stay. well, there's a possibility i could join my friends i met in switzerland. but they still need to hear from their school if they can go, because almost everyone can't go because the modules are held during annecy. but since they're only doing internship they would have a 95% chance to go. so i would be soooo excited to meet up with them and also with the awesome artist. I REALLY want to meet so many new cool people as well. i'm so excited. AND i also just got a message from a student from paris responding to my story that i could join them at a camping site for 8,- a night. they will ask their teacher if they got free places for me. that would be so fun. i've been following this artist for a while too. they make really awesome animations.
first ill wait if my friends are really able to go. if not i will join the paris students.

4/6/2026

felt like shit today but my day went better around 7/8pm . this artist i admire for a long time already followed me back and now he put me in his private story list and he asked ppl to recommend some albums. so i recommended him some albums from all natural lemon & lime flavours. and i never thought he foreal would dm me back with questions about my life and school lol. i also feel honored in general that he followed me and likes my art. we talked till 1am. he worked on crazy animations like primal and stuff as well. he has studied at my school and i still keep hearing my classmates talk about him because he's such a legend. but it's also a lot of luck because he got to do an internship at La Cachette, which is almost every junior 2d animator's dream studio.but in general he's also awesome. he got good music taste ngl.

later that night i went outside to go bike somewhere. the sky looked so pretty with so many colors.

4/5/2026

this refreshing towel smells pretty good tbh. i love mandarine smell man.
i got this in a cafe in berlin. i just realized i can't buy these anywhere else and i just threw it away T^T.

ohno it's 1:41am.
velocity:design:comfort album by sweet trip is so good.
i keep buying new mini notebooks because of the different paper and designs. muji is dangerous for me. i also have so many different sticky notes it's insane. i love collecting scraps too to put them in my notebooks. gosh this muji notebooks spine is so damn strong. it doesn't tear when the pages have basically doubled it's size. i glued pieces of cardboard on the front covers of it though to make it extra strong because it was just thin paper before.

oh shit i had my first day at work as dishwasher. i finally got to have 30 minutes break WITH some hella good bread with creamcheese with limejuice and salad and other vegetables. i didn't talk much, only awkward small talk with my new colleagues. it's so much more chill to work during the day because you get to get home around 4 or 6pm and get to do something afterwards with no stress on your mind. whenever i have to work at 6 till super late i can barely do something beforehand because i'm afraid i will forget the time. i can set an alarm or something, but it's more that i'll have to think about work all day.

4/4/2026

around 6pm i was selling art prints, stickers, etc on a fun market at the place i'm doing internship at. this place is filled with different creative businesses cramped up together next to this skatepark, boulder and circus venue. it's crazy iknow.
this day was pretty fun. i got to see so much stuff. i bought a nice tshirt, a few pins and a new collection i'm super excited about. i had the most fun interaction with this guy who sold framed butterflies and bugs. he knows so much about them and he collects them. this collection can be super old where the oldest would be from around the 1930's/1920's. it's insane. i couldn't choose which one i wanted because they were all so gorgeous! so i started asking about almost every butterfly and insect that is displayed. he bought these collections from schools and universities, especially old ones because some schools don't need them anymore and it's a shame to throw them away.

i eventually bought 5 bugs that are displayed in one frame. they're so beautiful. i got a green flower beetle(green barred scarab), a longhorn beetle and three different stagbeetles: female stag beetle, New Guinea stag beetle and the prosopocoilus bison. Then he said i can have 3 resin bugs FOR FREE "because you love bugs so much". i got the sagra beetle, longhorn beetle and a cicada nymph. "oh you can have this bee too if you want." BRO omygod. i definitely saved up 22 euro's (25 dollar) as you can see.

4/3/2026

thankgod it's a free day. i wanted to craft a book with fabric cover but i don't know how to use the sewing machine and my dad was at work so i couldn't learn it from him T^T.

instead i've been working on this site i guess.

also i fucking love eternal family. i can't wait to watch more silly weird cool movies.

3/31/2026

went to berlin from 27 to 30th march to see david lynch's paintings. also to see other stuff out there. it was just hanging out with my classmate and her gf. 3rd wheeled super hard but yeagh it was okay. i felt so tired most of the time which sucked so bad. anyways berlin got so many trinkets you could buy hooolyshit. i was at trinket haul heaven bro. if i lived in berlin my room was filled with random cool shit. there were so manyt things i wanted to buy but couldn't because i'll have to bring them back home too in a way because we were traveling by train.

it was super cool to see david lynch's paintings in real life. it felt so surreal. the man himself made this shit in his studio working with mixed media materials. you can watch more of my berlin trip here.

we also tried A LOT of pastries. Ki wants to become a pastry chef so she wants to try out sooo much flavours. H wanted to try out so many other cocktails because she works at the bar somewhere to make cocktails.
literally perfect match. Ki loves cooking so much. she works at this michelin restaurant too. H likes to make cocktails besides making movies. they recently moved to their new house together so they also tried to buy some new stuff for their house. how perfect do you want your life to be right now.

it did felt like i was just there. also i've noticed that we don't always like the same stuff. they don't really like squatted places or other places that look "edgy" or something. i hate that fucking word man. that one cafe didn't even look edgy. it was pretty cozy man. it wasn't "trying so hard to look daring or cool" or something. there were just a few cool looking alt ppl sitting there. the word edgy feels like a slur for alt ppl. probably because my bullies back then used it as a slur. sorry, when i heard them say that word i got crazy flashbacks.
ANYWAYS we went to check out this best fucking cinema overthere ever. they rent out dvd's too and they literally got EVERYTHING. DUDE. we got so sad that we weren't able to buy them T^T.

not many ppl are even there so that's also chill and you're surrounded by trinkets and dvd's. i would LOVE to work there. this guy was just checking tickets and then later he just started playing the guitar when everyone already entered the cinema room (we didn't go tho, we were too tired for that) i think he played a weezer song somewhere near the counter on a couch and he sang pretty good. i hope he heard me sing the second voice when i was casually looking at the flyers on the tables. but i always sing softly so idk. i think the song was 'island in the sun'.
uugh, oh to work at a cinema and be able to play guitar whenever you want when it's quiet.
agh i wanted to secretly film the environment with his music in the background. but instead i got this other video of just the cinema sounds and stuff while we were roaming around.

3/24/2026

today it's nice to be on your period because i got to spend time at home doing nothing. i needed that. i'm too overwhelmed. i don't care if i have stomach aches i really needed some rest.

yesterday was a bad day so to survive that i made a zine about and angel who tries to connect with the world around him.

i'm going to post some zine entries as soon as possible. i really want to show them.

i've realized i want to make so much stuff other than animation right now. making zines, experimental graphic novels, bookbinding, posters, buttons, stickers, prints, sockpuppets/monkeys. i'm much more in the mood for that now.
i've also realized i need to be in this specific state of flow to create art where i need to be in a very specific special environment in order to boil. and that specific environment will usually be:

if i have less things on my plate

in my room where i feel comfortable to think freely while talking out loud to myself.

the feeling that i only make this for myself

if i isolate myself completely from almost everyone usually. or if i just happen to meet the right people who i feel inspired by/feel comfortable with.

keeping my inspirations at hand

if i have nothing else to do

feeling comfortable thinking about experiences

i need to be half dreaming as if you're automatic writing

feeling a certain strong emotion like sadness, happiness, but not embarrassment.

daydreaming with no stress

but it questions my existence as an artist who most likely is going to do commissions in the future. and lately it's really hard to get to this creative flow.

i always feel it at night when i'm about to fall asleep. it's that exact same feeling when you've reached the after party where only a few people are left and you start to do some other weird chill shit where you suddenly talk about the most philosophical stuff you've come up with.

during covid i managed to get to this flow every damn day. it was quite hard for me during artschool to enter this flow, because i couldn't reach one of those points. i still need to figure out how to get to that flow in a different way.

also when i visited my bf we came across Floating World Comics and since then my brain did an 180. they sell different zines and comics from big to small artists that you may or may not have heard of. i found MoldMoldMold, Ding Dong Circus, MisUnderstood, Vermis, more surreal graphic novels, more 70s/80s figurines, it's literally the most inspiring place ever on the planet for me. together with cafe Pacori. fuck man i miss them so much. i need Floating World Comics in Europe.

omygod i have so many thoughts right now but it's godamn 1am.
when i watch short animations it really keeps me reminding of how simple a story actually can be to be damn good.
at the animation festival there were movies about how to grow a pineapple where you'll dance while waiting for it to grow. that's it. or about a guy fishing on a boat in a lake, texting their friend if they wanna join but doesnt get an answer, and he catches a very insecure fish and tosses it away in the pond after reassuring the fish. the story is just that short that it's hard to make a summary out of them.

also i love archive insta accounts where they show a bunch of old media that they collect and show it and talk about it to other people. very inspirational.
my favs: pinakotheca_book and t.archivist. But i try to use instagram less as possible obviously. i really wonder how they find all of that.
on one of their posts i recognized a picture from a bdsm magazine that lev had found at a thriftmarket in amsterdam. the magazine had a different name but on the post they made scans from "Rubberist 11," early 90's. maybe the one that lev found was just a collection of different photo's from different articles about the same bdsm. it's very interesting.
my new quest: collecting niche old magazines.

ugh i want to use my body for art but i'm not comfortable enough to do that yet. but yea art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable i guess.
i want to experiment with body image a bit more.

3/22/2026

didn't felt alright the entire day. i did get a signature from joanna quinn so that's cool.
regardless, i still felt tired and shitty.
i hope tomorrow will be alright.
i'm glad i still got my plushies to sleep with. iknow it sounds childish but its quite nice.
during this time of my life feeling sick is nice because i wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore and only have to take care of sickness and chill in bed.

3/21/2026

felt too tired to travel too far so i couldn't attend the sock puppet workshop. so instead i stayed in town buying stuff. got taiyo matsumoto's 'tokyo these days' 2 and some clothing i needed for this summer.

3/20/2026

watched some amazing movies today: ChaO and All You Need Is Kill. i will write a short review on them both soon, if i have the time.
ah man ChaO's visual development is INSANE.
anyways, the rest of the day was just crafting with people. im tryin to make the sock baby with bell teeth.
ate turkish pizza at the bay to see this 180 view of the skyline of a part of amsterdam. it looked awesome. i wish i was a bird chilling in their nest somewhere stable up high with no problems.

3/19/2026

i'm going to dishwash two times a week next month. ill be paying off Annecy completely with that. AND ill be selling some art stuff at this market soon. AND hopefully online too. so ill be paying off both Annecy, the trip with me and my bf and flutecamp. and i need to stop buying shit from vinted and random snacks from the store to be able to get richer.

i realized this summer is going to be french: Annecy, Viviers and Paris. i'm scared to become french. i don't want to become french. i do want to become mean, bitter and more mean. no jk, iknow fs some french people are awesome. we'll see. i'll give an update by then.

oh shit, i forgot i wrote down to learn how to speak french fluently as a bit on my quest page. damn wtf, maybe my quest page is just my fate.
omygod im reading through it further now and i forgot i wrote all of these down at some point. making a sock baby??? soon ill be attending a sock puppet workshop at this festival in amsterdam. am i just writing down my future? or is it purely manifesting? whatsgoingon.
i'm going to make individual pages of almost each quest i managed to finish. But ya know, some quests become a lifestyle.

do you ever feel incredibly dehydrated when you only got tea and constantly burn your mouth on accident because you're so thirsty? yeah.

today was a regular day but that doesn't mean i got regular thoughts. i guess. maybe.
i'm tired again.

3/18/2026

just animating. after that i went to school and hungout with M and people from the year below me. we played pingpong around the the table. i got tired and continued crafting at the crafting table because the festival was still going on. i folded another zine but i still need to think about what stuff i can put in it.

ugh i put so much stuff on my plate now. tennis, dishwashing, internship. soon maybe learning how to circuit bend, joining a fun animation session where we would make an animation within 2 hours, a market to sell stuff, 1 exhibition later around summer, finishing my endmovie. aaghh i hope i can handle it. if not i can always just quit some stuff. i do need that job though, i need money for annecy and the trip with my bf. this is year is so expensive aagh, i NEED to open up an online shop ASAP. i need to get rid of my prints ASAP.

3/17/2026

today was INSANE. i went to these "industry days" where people from the animation industry would talk about their work, studio and animation processes. and you can also talk to them afterwards and to other people in the industry to get more info.
there was this one CGI creator, Masaya Inaba, who gave a presentation about how the animation process goes in japan. it was really interesting. They're working with a lot of paper. he worked at Studio 4C that made one of my favourite animes. he also worked on ChaO and All You Need Is Kill and im going to watch both of them soon in one day.
After he gave the presentation you were able to ask more questions outside and i asked him a question about why they use so much paper in japan. and he said it's easier to communicate with the animators and to make small adjustments to send it back to them. But it also depends on the director, if they find paper more chill or not.
Then he gave me the example papers he worked with to me as a gift and i was like OH OMYGOD NO WAY REALLY? and then he started to handout the 3 other papers to other people who were standing around him lol. so rn i have a banger souvenir AND a signature from him. "keep pushing yourself." thanks man i lowkey needed that.

then i went to do a lot of other stuff and then i went to the after party to hangout at. Cool people asked me if i wanted to go to Annecy with them so hellyeah i'm down.

also i was hanging out with a bunch of friends eating ice sandwhiches? idk what its called. but we saw this guy in a van going crazy on some loud music he played in the car. i'm happy for him.

3/16/2026

regular intern day. got a massive headache after again. probably because of yesterday but, even before the festival i got a lot of headaches. maybe because i sleep bad :(

omygod march is going crazy good. i began to hangout more with friends after work. i have two now, F and Le. the other ones feel like acquaintances that i don't really feel connected to. but that's okay. maybe Z is part of my good friends but i haven't seen her in such a long time. i'm going to travel with her to flutecamp this summer so i'm very excited. ugh, the original epic flutecamp group is not coming this year unfortunately, including F. loserss. they're too busy. so now it's going to be a me and Z sidequest to flutenation, where people around the world are brought together every 4 years to make music between the valleys of france in the middle of nowhere (not just in france; with each edition, it moves to a different country).
sounds epic to me.

also i have to find ways to write in here because soon ill be too busy to write some entries probably. Either i have to become a hardcore morning person, or i gotta stay a night goblin eating snacks at midnight because they're not ready for the next day.

3/15/2026

i watched only a marathon of shorts, with having breaks in between, and i almost slept during one oops. So i decided not to go to the last shorts so instead i continued crocheting that i learned again during lunch. i thought i learned it today but then i realized i made a bunny for my bf before so i basically lied to everyone and myself about it. i made a papper today.
a couple days ago i met Mar and they're so funny. during the crochet workshop they were like : 'OMYGODOMYGOD OMYGOD, AH, AH ,AH , AHHH, HOLYSHIT NO WAY, HUH?? HUH?? IT'S LIKE... IT'S LIKE VOODOO... WHATHEFUCK?! wait HUH?, okay so, so, it goes like, it goes like this and then, WHATFUCK.'
i was also too locked in to talk to new people. it's scary man.

3/14/2026

I'm gonna make short reviews, on the animations ive seen at this festival. uhm yeah again i've watched a lot.

there was one i hated and was confused by. It's called: Death Does No Exist. it's about a group of people trying to kill these rich people. but throughout the movie one of the maincharacter's "friends", i guess, keeps telling her that it's not good to use aggression against people of power. and the movie shows only agressive protests which made it seem like protests in general give off agression, eventhough that's not true. And it seems like the movie says that we can't even talk about our emotions and thoughts about politics anywhere else outside our family and close environment. it was weird. the mc realized: 'i should take care of my anger towards my family and the ones i have dear.' or something. dude. the fact that an old white man made this says kinda enough. I watched it with my friend M and he left the room before it finished which made sense. i wanted to see how it ends and that's where they showed a huge ocean wave destroying the city with yelling noises. ugh the animation was great but the story wasn't that good.

anyways, before watching it i ate really good ramen. yummy.

also i watched Nobody and that one was surprisingly good. i never thought the story and the character arcs were well written because the artstyle looks like any other anime with animals in there, kinda, where the main theme would scream 'never give up' in your face. But you should watch it fr.

there was also an after party, for networking, at 8pm but i got too overwhelmed by everything so i kept drawing somewhere.

3/13/2026

Laetitia Sadier - un soir un chien

I hungout with Le at her house to make ideas for weird posters to hang around town. her house is pretty cool. very messy 7/10. but you're still able to walk around. we ate sandwhich with avocado and vegan bacon. Her room is awesome. she collects random stuff so she has mannequins, random dolls, cool kinky magazines from the 70s/80s, other random stuff she found at thrift stores and dumpster diving. i still gotta show more stuff i found on this web. anyways, we were so brain dead lol it was just hanging out i guess. i got to overwhelmed by the cuteness of her cat. she's so cuuutteee i couldn't stand letting her go.

after i went to Kaboom Animation Festival which was around the corner. i watched so many crazy good films. one of them was God is Shy and hooolyshit it's my favourite now.
i was so tired after this day because i watched 17 shorts and one documentary/movie. and i will watch that many for the following 2 days and next weekend as well but then in Amsterdam.

3/12/2026

i went to amsterdam for a scriptmeeting for a liveaction movie that my internship supervisor is working on and i got invited just to see how the script process goes. the meeting was above a cinema it's cool.i didn't know what to say the whole time. then i was trying to go home but unfortunately there were no trains going to my town anymore from amsterdam so i needed to go to a different town in order to take the train there to my town. but i was also a little stressed because i had this trial day at this nice cafe soon. but luckily i got there on time even after going home first to change clothes and then go.

the trial day was chill. just dishwashing but it's quite different for me because it's a smaller kitchen now. everyone is pretty calm and i think a lot of artsy people work there so that's cool. i mean they gave the vibe of artsy people.

3/11/2026

after work i went to bikewars to countdown Le birthday. Before going there i wanted to bake somehting for her and i asked what she wanted. she wanted vegan brownies so i'm like hellyeah that's a deal. when i came over there were already 2 other brownie pots on the table. one big brownie party it seems.
i met more of her friends and i saw M again. we're probably gonna make a band together with someone else he knows. hopefully it's gonna be cool. And also Le's friend who's a music manager was there and they said: 'call me if you're a band, we can organize something.' so yeah crazy coincidence.
we just talked at the campfire with everyone and counted down to her birthday. Later we vandilized/deleted some rightwing evil political posters around town.
lev got a certain key from her birthday to open up posterbillboards behind glass (also at busstops). so that's awesome. police passed by but it seemed like they didn't care. why would they tho. anyways, the night was fun and also im planning to make silly posters with Le soon. like: 'have you seen this coin?' or 'come to my banana gig for free banana's and a whole lot of monkey business.'

3/8/2026

did nothing till 5pm. went on a walk and bought a fruit bowl and ate it at a playground. i layed down on the edge of the slide. tbh it's pretty chill to use slides as a chair why didn't i do that before? also i met a super cute fluffy colorful cat.
i walked around the neighborhood through small alleyways. i like alleyways. they're only cozy during the day though.

btw a couple weeks ago my colleagues had a conversation about this awful pizzaplace in my town who doesn't clean their restaurant and serves slightly warm pizza. but their website is such a banger man, omygod. i wish more stores or restaurants have these old website layouts lowkey, it's such a vibe.
i just really want to eat at mr jacks now but i don't want to get food poisoning.

3/7/2026

i went to the cinema to watch Wanda (1970) you can read my wacky small review on it here. then right after i went to get a package and clothing hihi.
And then i went to eat dinner at my dad's new restaurant he's working at with my family. he's a cook and he has finally found his place in the cooking industry. now he's making authentic indonesian dishes so he feels close to home and we're all so happy for him. besides the food he really wants to be in an environment to learn and grow his cooking skills. the team he is part of has previously worked at professional restaurants, some of which have michelin stars. and this restaurant is very special because most of the ingredients are directly imported from indonesia so the taste isn't like any other indonesian restaurant run by dutch people, so that's cool. the food was amazing obviously. the rendang tasts just like how my dad made it a couple years ago at dinner but better because of the ingredients. i missed longtong so much it was so good. i also want to learn how to make spice cake.

3/6/2026

it's my friends birthday and we were planning to go snowboarding today. but the most unfortunate thing is that my head started to hurt so bad and my energy bar stayed low the entire day. and now i'm scared i can't join them. i payed fucking 60,- for that. dude. it's non-refundable as well. omygooood i hate my body for doing this. see, now it happened again. when i have something cool to do my body just gives up suddenly.

this reminds me of the time that i drank coffee before going to machine girl concert and while i was in the train i suddenly felt so weak and super tired immediately like i almost passed out, it was that bad. so i couldn't go anymore. am i cursed or something? please i just want to live my life normally while having fun like everyone else.

maybe the reason why my body is shutting off rn is bc i've been sleeping at 2am every day for a month right now + internship.
i'm glad i'm gonna do tennis soon so my sleep will get better.

OH UPDATE: THE TICKETS ARE REFUNDABLE, i was so scared, man. i called the snowboard/ski resort just in case and thank god they can cancel my tickets.

also i just texted with my friend and she said to me it's better to do 4 days of doing internship instead of 5. Why did no one tell me you can do 4 days. i managed to keep it up for a month. My three weekend wish will finally come true.

whenever i get a headache, i have to go outside. i don't want to sit still. What made my day a little better was that the neighbors' cat came to chill in our garden and that i saw two coots and a nest in a pond while i was eating a sandwich. yet my day sucked because of my stupid headache.

wow it's so fun to see how many bad, good and regular days i actually have in these months. january had alot of nice days because i was in switzerland. febuary had a lot of regular days because i was only focused on internship so everything kinda felt the same. march is off to a bit of a shaky start, but I hope it gets better.

3/5/2026

Blegh, i tried to animate well today, but every time the director comes to check it, it's not good enough, and i realize there are so many mistakes in it.
and when i fixed it it's not fixed. aaghh today is not my day.

i drank a lot of tea and there are these questions written on the tealabel at random. i got the question: 'what's the most beautiful thing you've seen today?' well, not my animation, that's for sure. Maybe my bread, which I dumpster dived yesterday, that i toasted in the tosti maker.

3/4/2026

F called me to ask if i would be down to paint a mural somewhere in my town together withher friends friend one day or soon. It'll be a payed job. i'm pretty down.

after work i went to bikewars, a squatted place i regularly go to, to hang with a couple friends and watch punkbands. i thought it was going to suck because i know no one except F. F wasn't there yet and it was full house, so i got too overwhelmed. but then i got saved by Le, thankgod she's here.
there were two nice punkbands playing. one of them is alright, the other one was banger but the players in there fucked around too much after.
i hungout most of the time with F and Le and after we went dumpster diving somewhere at the station. it was fucking 1am and everything was empty and the police still wanted to be a bitch about us cycling on the stationsquare. anyways, we went to the dumpsters and we found so much stacks of bread. we saw that they were all packed TODAY.

the posters at bikewars were underwhelming because they're super small and the design should be a bit more epic. but we really like the concept. We were talking about changing it soon, but we'll see when.

3/3/2026, 2:38am

oops. i've been going to bed at 2am for the past 2 weeks and i can feel my brain not handling it during work time. i look like i got speaking issues when communicating with people. information comes in so late. when someone says something important i forget it in 5 seconds again. shit man.
the reason why i always go to sleep at that time is because i'm not ready for the next day and i want more free time. im only able to get free time for 4 hours if i want to sleep early. school feels more free than doing an internship right now for some reason. it's so weird. the schedule is the exact same, but internships are more serious than school. you're doing an actual job where you're working for someone/something serious. so that means more pressure. and also i'm super shy around new people/colleagues, so it already takes up too much energy for me to engage.

ah shit i was planning to work a side job 2 nights a week, but maybe i should keep it at one since i'll be exercising too.

march 3, 10am-4am

when i woke up it felt like i had to pass out. but im okay dw.
i took a walk during break and called my friends to buy train tickets to berlin. i was buying some snacks at the grocery store during the call when my friend bought the tickets. we're going to travel friday night and go home at monday night. we're purely going to berlin because of David Lynch's paintings that are going to be displayed there. but obviously we want to spend more time overthere doing different stuff too.
everything for david lynch foreal. his work is SO GOOD. the exhibition ends till the 29th and we're literally arriving on the 28th lol. We had to extend it because i have this festival i have to attend.

man, march will be such a busy month. snowboarding this week, festival for a week and a half, last week 3 days berlin. the best thing is that the festival was completely free with my cinema pass. the only wacky thing is that i had to manually buy the tickets to things i really want to go to. with the pass i can't buy the festival ticket that include all the days unfortunately. but whatever, ill do almost anything if i can get it for free.
Also, the upcoming weeks will be sunny and i'm so happy. i can't wait for spring and summer.

3/2/2026

Feeling super shitty on a beautiful sunny day. worked for hours. felt too embarassed to act out the character that i was animating in public.
then went to pick up a package. then i went home and did absolutely nothing.

at least my side quest to berlin with friends is hopefully gonna be fun in a few weeks. we still have to buy the tickets. I hope the 3rd wheeling isn't gonna be awful.

ugh. can someone tell me how to stop comparing my life to others. anyways, i handed my resume at 3 restaurants to do dishwashing and i signed up to play tennis again after 6 years. i missed it alot. played for 5 years with passion but unfortunately the people at my club kept being assholes and mean and almost led me into an accident. i could've signed up somewhere else but the nearest club is all the way across town. i don't want to keep going there. So i stopped and tried something else. And every time i watched my grandma and uncle watch wimbledon championship i got fomo. just in general seeing tennis i got fomo.
So yeah, i'm excited to get some training again. i think all the bad people are gone/ have changed now. i just need to exercise to get all the bullshit out of my head.

3/1/2026

WARNING: ITS DISCUSTING, READ WITH CARE or something idk what they say. but if you're sensitive to that stuff don't read it.

blegh, dude, my dad was using my toothbrush (that i used when i was in zwitserland too) the whole time on accident since i came back, febuari 1st mind you, and i kinda had my suspisions that there was something off just recently because the stench of his cigarette smell on the toothbrush handle became stronger. but i thought it got that smell from the cup where everyone would put their toothbrush in. i washed it very thoroughly the entire time before using it. but idk why i didnt ask him before. i only started asking him because while i was brushing my teeth i noticed this weird fucking goo on the toothbrush handle that looked like a booger. it was SO FUCKING DISCUSTING. when he told me he used my toothbrush i had to throw up man. a fucking nightmare became true. my dad is really discusting, im sorry. he's a nice guy and all but omygod. i don't like his pall mall scent and leaves it all around the house. big chunks of slime he coughs out each morning stay in the sink. sorry for oversharing and kinda hating on him. i don't know where tf else i can leave it. It's not that i hate hate him. he just has some flaws like every other human being.

bleeghh, i need to deepclean my mouth.

february 28

song: soft location - diamonds and gems

Gonna spend time working on this webpage. And i need to buy oil pastels to try out. And i want to buy lino tablets with other materials for carving and stamping. I need to make more.

The songs i write down on each entry are songs i wake up with in my head.

update. i didn't go outside because i was working on this webpage. I'm in the mood to become a hermit and be closed off from society becoming one with nature instead.

i can't wait to have a nice house and have an apple tree in my garden.

im so tired, but i don't want to go to sleep because i want more free time

i tried drawing in clip studio paint for the first time somewhere previous week. i never draw digitally so it felt quite weird. but i'm very proud of the outcome :p

february 27

I went on a walk during break to buy some snacks. I tried Ube cookie. It was pretty good, but the spot behind my nose bridge and between my eyes started to hurt, probably because of the insane amount of butter in there.

I started making this webpage because i realized my 2025 ended.

february 26

It stayed sunny today as well.

I had a call with the team again and now i met two other cool people. one of them, adam, is working on their own indie animation which looked pretty cool. they were in this call just to chill while playing games. And the other one, charles, worked on smiling friends and is the creator of judas iscariot. He's working together with someone from our team because he's doing voice acting for judas iscariot. So i also got to see behind the scenes of the film which is reaallyy cool. He was also super excited to show me some work he has done for smiling friends lol. He worked as background artist for the show. it was pretty cool to see how he did it. Today was crazy. Lol the call became a podcast. i was too nervous to say anything so i was just chilling in there while everyone was babbling about the animation industry and other random off-topic stuff. charles got fired because they're quitting smiling friends. Alot of ppl who worked on it got mad. idk if i can tell the reason in here. but it was chaotic with the way most of them got fired. alot of smoking hot tea was spilled in this call man omygod.

When i went home there was this huge flock of birds flying around again and this time it was HUGE. I've never seen this many in years. I didn't know where those birds would fly to so i just cycled the regular route. They started to fly above me and i filmed them, it looked so cool. But i totally forgot it would be super risky. Because they pooped on my darkblue jacket. luckily not much but still. I felt embarassed but accepted it.
My dad told me it's a sign of luck, because it's a rare occurence.
I hope so.

february 25

At my internhip i was able to try to make lino prints. I had LOTS of fun. carving out the drawing i want to stamp. I can make so many prints and patches now. It's super easy to buy all the materials. I posted some pics online and my friend texted me to ask for a collab with her fashion project to sew patches with my drawings on them. Hellyeah i would.
In general it was such a beautiful day. Finally after so many windy wet and cold days the sun finally appeared.
I went for a long walk calling with my bf. He missed me and he didn't wanted to sleep alone. We just talked till he slept. I can't wait to meet him again.

february 18

At my internship i made a zine in 3 hours to get new story ideas. i love making zines so much now. it's so simple. i should make a new webpage with zines i made.

february 17

Today i met up with kiara's friends from the US. kiara is my bf's best friend. i met her through him and now she's also a good friend of mine.
But today i met up with two guys and i've met one of them before but only for just one day at the 4th of july party. his name is ryan. him and his roommates bought a giant sign saying: 'smoke hut' which was so funny and iconic. And he made a game called LifeLik together with kiara and some other friends, it's really good. they're still working on it but you can play most of the game already.
but he went traveling with his childhood friend Abe around europe to join multiple jazzjams and have a great time in general. today there was a jazz jam in amsterdam so ryan asked me to join them.
When i met up with them it was awkward at first obviously. i was suuuuper nervous because i didn't knew them that well, but it was cool.
Kiara has been saying to him that i play the piano so good as well. but i feel like she promoted me in a way like i was some sort of legend. Dude, clearly ryan and abe are way better than me. They both went to music school to play jazz together since middle school.
it was super crowded at this bar. the bar was attached to the music school of amsterdam, mainly focusing on jazz and pop. i almost wanted to go study there but realized animation was more of my passion. but when i saw those people jamming together i got a crazy amount of fomo from that. ugh i love jazz so much. i wish to be that good. ryan and abe both felt a little intimidated by these people because it's next level good. they said they're more technical based than how it is in LA and Eugene. Abe wanted to try to play the piano with them so he stepped in line together with the people waiting for their turn. ryan told me abe studied music in LA. Dude when he played i was atonished. he's so good man. wow. ryan plays the saxophone but he didn't carry it with him so he also got fomo from that haha.
idk what we talked about further but it was very nice. i was so nervous the entire time. they're hella chill and talented guys. unfortunately i couldn't stay up till late because the train connections sucked so bad. the last train to home was before 1am.
ian was so jealous they got to hangout with me. sigh.

february 15

from now on i want to go to the cinema more often in a week. because i love movies and i will not get distracted while watching one. and watching it in a cinema is a different experience. full on focus on the movie.
i bought this cinema pass for 19eur per month for unlimited cinema visits. And yes there are some cinema's in my town that screen old classics so i'm hella down for that. AND i can go to this animation festival completely for free, heheheheh.
i watched the last viking. i'm not really into dark humor but there are some very funny moments in there.
but on the other hand i got a little uncomfortable by the people who laughed their asses off to someone getting beaten up really bad in a fucked up way.

february 14

I hate this day

I spend some time with my bf this morning which was very nice though. I appreciated it alot.
But I still had this wack feeling so i tried to change it by spending time by myself getting cake, sandwich and orange juice for lunch. As well with new cd's and a new shirt that's probably going to be my new favourite. nonetheless, there was still some sort of empty feeling lingering in me.

Later today i went to this party to support farah's performance. Her directed performance was super amazing! She made all the costumes where one of them was made by her friend.
But then everything sucked again. It was alright to see everyone after months spending time abroad. idk it was actually really awkward. I couldn't talk much because everything was too overwhelming and i only felt comfortable talking to farah. But she hopped from multiple friends to another, which i understand.
Later that night everyone danced in this other room to dance the fuckass wack feeling away. It failed. I danced alone between these couples.
today's lesson: never go to a party on valentines day (unless you're not single). But LDR just sucks on valentines day automatically.
i went home and cried.

february 11

i did some animation tests. i also got to meet up the team from means of destruction. it was cool. rn i met up the main creators of the show. one of them worked on nickelodeon and stuff. they also said someone else works here at this project who worked on smiling friends and is the creator of judas iscariot which is insaanee.
my brain was so fried today so i couldn't talk much about things to them. and i feel like this entire week is going to suck with my fried brain.

february 9

my internship at a collective of freelance animators started. it's 10 minute bikeride away from my house so i'm very lucky with that.
We got to know each other a little and I looked at what everyone is working on. They are mainly working on their own projects and studio work. It's really cool what everyone is doing.
I'm going to do a lot of animation, concept art, and storytelling, and learn.
The project I'm most excited about is The Means of Destruction. It's a truly insane project. I'm quite lucky that the co-founder of that project is in this collective because he's not listed on their website, lol. i can't wait.

february 7

I bought a radio because I want to use more physical media since Spotify sucks. I'm also curious to see what old CDs my parents have, and it's nice to have something physical at all. I can also burn playlists onto CDs. Today, I burned Gary Wilson on cd with my favorite songs of his. Oh, and the radio can also play and RECORD cassette tapes. It's a real win-win.

february 6

I was planning to go to K's birthday party, and she had moved it especially for me, but unfortunately i suddenly got a really painful sore throat and I just can't go. It really sucks. But oh well, next time then.

Today I also went to judge the admissions for upcoming animation students. It's so scary to be a judge and i'm never doing it again. But there are a lot of talented people coming in.
Oh my god, there was this guy who's really good at animation. He animated anime stuff and it looked fucking good. Mappa vibes. I tried so hard to keep my face neutral. next level pokerface, i kid you not. And i was thinking: 'i need to step up my game more man, godamnit.'

february 5

went to the doctor for my wart. apparently you can just use ductape.
later i went to another big city to buy some pantyhoses. i spent a lot, oops, but they're all worth it.
on the way i saw a nice cafe that i wanted to try out. but i was too scared to go inside because i feel watched. but that doesn't maaatteerr. aaagghh.

february 4

Return day at school. Saw lots of presentations. Everyone had different internships, minors, and exchanges. In the evening, I went to Bikewars, a squat far from the center, to meet up with L. There's free food at this bar. It's always very chill there. It was nice to hangout and talk. he always goes on insane adventures like damn your life is fr a movie.

february 2

i went to the thriftstore. I was looking for clothes on the rack next to someone else, and we kind of searched towards each other, and then I came across one of the coolest shirts ever. Oh my god, if she had found it first, I would have been done for.
I looked around some more and then I was standing next to a really tall guy, alone in this hallway. And then he started talking: “15 euros for this Zara jacket? What?"
And I looked at him like, are you talking to me? And then he looked at me with a funny face like, “Huh?” There was a silence: “15 euros for a Zara jacket, can you believe it?” he said. “that's crazy, man.”
When i went to check out my stuff the cashier said the shirt was really cool: 'wow it'll make you a star. no you know what, you're already a star.' i didn't know what to say so i said: 'aw you too.'

february 1

Went to the library to borrow a book. godamn being back home feels a little weird. i got to see my room in third person. it looks way cooler than my empty white room It's just filled with random shit, but now it feels more comforting and it looks like a pinterest picture.
Also being back in this country is kinda boring now. it's flat, wet and cold. no crazy nature, no mountains. just cool architecture and lots of canals. can you guess where i live?

january 30

i dropped off the last remaining food leftovers at school for people to use. also i dropped other unnecessary stuff in the secondhand closet. printed out my train tickets just in case. Then i got a call from mahela and phil that they have something for me. they're at my front door. 'OPEN UP, LET US IN'. i walked out from school to them and we got to my apartment. It wasn't a surprise because they told me yesterday that they're going to visit me today.
They gave me chocolate from freiburg and rivella. And they gave me a book filled with messages and artwork from the entire class. It was adorable and funny. after they left my apartment with so much hugs i cried reading everything. I miss everyone man.

This night i had a goodbye party with other people from this apartment building. lol they peerpressured me to stay longer. especially andrés lol. i danced salsa and another latin dance with him it was fun. i didn't know he danced for 10 years.
i got to try out a dish from kazagstan and india it was so good. i both forgot the names godamnit. finally i got the chance to leave because it was suuuper late and i had to leave tomorrow early in the morning at 8:00.

january 29

Last class about freelancing feedback round for our teacher and the whole planning of the semester. i was super tired and tried to sleep on the couch outside of the classroom but couldn't. watched all our final idents in the school cinema. it was beautiful. spend time with classmates at an aperol at school. ate kebab after. went to parterre for drinks and play games. luna, vaya, olivia, delia and lars made a 2000's magazine of their ident's presentation and put a crossword puzzel in it about all the idents. i remember their team playing alot of crossword puzzels during break.
felt heavy to say goodbye to so many people, they told me so much compliments and i tried not to cry. I stayed up till late until everyone else was planning to leave. i love everyone, they're the best people i've ever met. everyone is so cool, creative, funny and open to talk to anyone. i wish could've stayed longer but i think i could learn alot more at my internship.

january 28

I grabbed dinner with my teammates, noemi, phil and mahela. it was fun. We ate at a japanese restaurant with such good food. I did found out i'm super sensitive to wasabi, because my nose started to burn so bad i thought i got an allergic reaction. But regardless, it was nice to hangout with everyone like this again. we talked about so much random stuff.

ugh when i got home suddenly i feel this wack feeling attacking me out of nowhere.

Gosh what the fuck did i do. I think i'm doing very good when it comes to art opportunities and showing them. My movie was used for a 'good example' for the year below me, i finally got an internship where i get to work on something really cool and to learn about surviving as a freelance animator, got to work on an ident for Adult Swim where i got to be the art director for it, I know people who are incredibly inspired by me and one of them made an entire youtube essay about the realities of being an oddball artist, which is a really good and awesome video go watch it!, and they tagged me in it. i feel so honored. It's all very cool and i'm happy that that part of my life is doing well. But a part of my social life is just fucked up and i don't want to compare myself with other people. It has a huge impact on literally everything and i just can't think straight anymore because of it. I chose this part and i don't know how to get out of it.

january 27

talked with the head of animation for the last time and showed him my exchange logbook. he approved, yippee.

had another meeting with my internship to get to know more people. everyone is super chill. i'm going to work on something REALLY cool so that's incredibly awesome.

Later i had a music jam with Tom. he's REALLY good with jazz piano. i can listen to him forever. he learned me some more jazz basics while improvising on the piano together.
i like that there's a piano at school. we should have a piano at my art college back home too.

january 24

i didn so much.
showered at 2pm.
walked to the post office holding 6kg package to send to home. my arms are so strong now. i'm sweating i asked someone where the post office is bc i couldn't find it. turn left, go upstairs to right. thanks. found it and made a label. there were so many items in my package the cashier had to write them all down. sorry for the people waiting. it's fun to sign papers.
bought groceries for the last week.
did laundry
vacuumed my room.
watched stranger things on those pirated movies website (because who tf wants to use netflix for that) to hate on it for fun because the script is so cliché and bad.
i wanna watch heather and finish watching twin peaks.

january 22

menu
warning: it's going to be discusting

entire day watching presentations showing our idents to our clients.
ate grapes.
gave the presentation about our ident for adult swim and was nervous. everything went well actually. people laughed watching our ident. only compliments.
Gerhard Wolf who represents Adult Swim Europe, said he was already super happy from the start and that 'there's always a project each year that you know it's going to succeed well, and this is that project. we didn't had to worry about it." and "most people see adult swim as grim, dirty and dark but you guys made the opposite: very surreal in this fantastical world with so much weirdness. it's different but fitting. it's super cool.' biggest compliment every holyshit.
after i went out with noemi, nils, delia, clementine, laurenz and julia. first there was an aperol goodbye party for one of the teachers. everyone wanted me to be there. then they said they were going to the light festival to watch their animations in the chapel in town and asked if i could come join them. uhm i was on my period and it happened that day in the morning to it's the worst. i still accepted the invite because i wanted to spend more time with everyone before i leave.

we went to watch the animations and then we entered this small aperol in the small cozy backroom of the chapel. we just ate snacks and drank some cider.
embarassing moment happened. I took a dump in the church's toilet and i lied to everyone that it stank in there already before me. I hope they believed me. I hope even God got my back in there (i'm atheist). i stole some nuts from the aperol when we left. We went to a bar. unfortunately delia had to go home early.

then at the bar we talked about, school, embarassing piss and poop stories and other embarassing things. wow, talking about perfect timing.
One of them held a bottle for someone to pee in, Someone else peed in a 1,5L bottle after hours of holding it and filled it completely, someone else pooped out of a window, the other peed in the park at daylight infront of some important wall as a child, someone else just pissed in their friends garden every time they came over. I had massive diarrhea at an airport toilet and it echoed super loudly through everything, full on reverb, and i heard people laughing. Walk of shame to the sink washing my hands, then double walk of shame through the people.
But one of them had some hella good barf story: They were playing a Mario kart drinking game where they had to drink every round. Someone stood up and suddenly barfed on the floor, then he tripped over it and fell. He continued barfing on the floor. poor guy.

i was physically dying today. why does it keep happening when the most fun nights require physical pain like headaches and all that. i don't want that to happen anymore. but regardless of the pain, this day was awesome.

january 20

It's almost time. Almost time to leave Switzerland. I've learned alot from this school and from myself i guess. It was the first time leaving my house and it has been the greatest shit ever, but also the worst. The worst because i noticed i get anxious when i'm at a place far away from my family. I constantly think that something fucked up might happen and that i would die alone or that no one would help me on time. Iknow it won't happen, but my brain is weird. I'm trying to let it temporarily rain on me and leave those thoughts. I looovvee traveling so much, but the fact that i get panic attacks from thinking about those things is just annoying. There's this paradoxal thing where i really want to leave my country so bad, but as soon when that happens i get panic attacks and want to go back to familiar safety.

Regardless of all that i had a really great time in general. I miss my hometown and i never thought i would say that because i was so bored back home. And i miss the punkconcerts. I gained the courage to text with friends to hangout and i can't wait to see them. I'm still kind of scared because i never know what to do but that's why we'll just figure it out. mhyea. my brain is fried from compositing my movie. Oh i just ate dinner together with classmates which is so fun. I'm going to miss that. I wish we could do that at my homeschool but nop we're not even able to stay there till late. i would love to switch but i don't want to make a thesis soooooo. i'd rather want to finish this. i'm going to miss everyone and i'm definitely planning to see everyone again during christmas maybe. Definitely during Annecy if i got the money.

So one of my classmates and friend, luna, made pasta for the people who stayed up late at school to work on our idents. vaya and livio did groceries. pasta was so good. it's so fun to eat with classmates together at school. you get to know them better it's super cozy.
ugh i wish my school has that. i'm going to miss all of this. felt happy to study and work between lovely people i feel comfortable with.

january 18

walked around town recording sounds for my logbook. i have to hand it in soon. I went to the lightfestival, watched animations that are projected inside a chapel classmates made. it was really cool. going on dates alone feels sometimes special.

january 17

didnt' do much. watched the oc, bought stuff at zumstein papeterie. i need to eat. i want to make oatmeal cookies tomorrow. haven't showered in a while i feel discusting.
yesterday i was about to sleep and called with ian while he was working. i woke up with heart palpitations, blegh.

january 16

Had dinner with my chillian roommate and his friends and other people from the apartment building. My roommate made chillian dinner:
1. idk what it's called but it were selfmade mini soft dough chips dipped in chillian salsa.
2. chillian hotdogs. there's a very specific way to put the ingredients on there:

1. put tomato on the hotdog with sausage

2. avocado

2. mayo

2. ketchup

i was so braindead that night i didn't know what to say to others. i was just there for the food and it was good.

january 14

hungout with classmates at school around 21:00. we just talked about alot of random stuff. it was fun. scar stories, meme's, the o.c., ex-boyfriends i guess, etc. fucked up icetea in the fridge that had bloodcloth transparant looking mold in there that fell in my cup.

january 13

I went to my classmates apartment to hangout. on the way we walked underneath a bridge with some abandoned vans parked away near some small busstop, it was a vibe.
then we walked past a giant field that has normally alot of corn. We heard cows in the barn.
we made rice with tons of leek and tofu made by vietnamese monks, so that cool. his mom brought it for him. tofu tasted like an omelet it's so interesting.
we drank tea and eve litchi beer. i got stomach aches from it and that's when i really figured i'm sensitive to beer. it happened multiple times before but couldn't lay a finger on it what the cause could be.

january 12

school wasn't that interesting. it was just only work.

But after that i went to the filmclub in the school's cinema room. we watched to wong foo. i cried 3 times. ugh you just have to see it. it's such a good feel good movie.

january 11

Literally watched the O.C. the entire day. didn't feel like doing something productive.
the show is about a troubled poor teen from the suburbs that got adopted by his rich attorney because his family can't take care of him anymore.
so he enters into this typical world of rich teen adventures that everyone dreams of and family drama. It's usually a show that i would hate but you know what, it's sometimes nice to watch some silly drama. there are alot of good plottwists tbh.
i love free time. when i have free time with no stress and worry it's a good day.

january 10

woke up from a nightmare again at night. It's scary to wake up alone from that. i called ian for reassurance. i continued sleeping till 2pm. wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone but i was hungry and someone else was in the kitchen so i had to. i talked to my roommate for a couple minutes while eating oatmeal and then left.
i didn't do anything productive. got groceries, made vegetable soup and started watching the O.C. that two of my classmates recommended to me saying: "IT'S SO GOOOOD, I'M GLUED TO MY SCREEEN.'

january 9

woke up from a nightmare at night. came late to school.

had 2 meetings. one was just talking about my exchange logbook.
the other was an interview with my potential internship. it went really well. they're happy to have me as intern. I am so glad that I was able to find an internship opportunity after all. "it's going to be chaotic but you can think about it" made me a little scared, but i guess we'll see.

january 6

in the morning we recorded some sounds in the foleyroom. actually this foley person did it for us and she's insanely good. i forgot this is a job that people do, i'm lowkey considering it.
later me and my teammate just only worked on sound editing. the rest of my team was sick unfortunately. it was a tiring day.

i watched welcome to the dollhouse. it was just sad.

january 5

felt like shit today because my brain decided to compare my life to others. i fucking hate it and i want to quit.
instead i tried to work and listen to punk/midwest emo to distract myself to try to focus.

january 4

song: rexy - funky butt

doing morning stretches and wanting to sleep again. but i need to do something on this fine morning. so i made gyoza for on the way and walked along the river again. i bought more snacks: pretzel and a warm pastry. the sun shines on the houses across the river on the hill. how can some people live in such beautiful places.
i keep seeing the red kite bird everywhere, flying around, it's so cool.
i met a cat
walked underneath a tunnel filled with spiderwebs. walked along the town's oldest wall with towers. people were sledding downhill to the wall.
ate my gyoza at the lake where someone fed seaguls.
went home and ate salad, tofu and tomatosoup. called ian, he's sick but doing better now.
i feel sleepy.

january 3

woke up at 4 am and saw snow falling outside. ian wanted to call me because he missed me so much. i miss him too alot. i slept at 5 till 11.
luzern became a winter wonderland. i decided to go for a walk after eating my leftover banana pancakes. everything looks so pretty outside. snowblanket, snowman, snowpeople. i like it when humans have the urge to sculpt and make art out of snow.
my feet hurt from walking. i put on awful shoes. the only water repellant shoes. i got a painful blister that makes me walk like an old man.
went home to call with ian again. ate dinner: salad with ravioli. i heard my roommate practice her opera singing. she's doing a master's. she's really good.
i saw a blood moon appear when the sun was setting from the kitchen.
i watched the holdovers. i like it when movies have troubled people becoming kind of friends together. in this movie they're just acquaintances, annoying student / teacher dynamic. hate and annoyance switch to acceptance and understanding while they learn something from eachother.

january 2

i'm grateful my mom and my brother visited me to spend time together during the holidays. today i was waving them goodbye at the trainstation.
after, i walked the stairs 8 times to do the luadry because the elevator doesn't work. i don't mind.
i threw the rest of my wishes in the river and got 3 pretty stones for in return. one reminds me of paul klee's artwork and it fits perfectly in my palm.
my remaining wish i have to work on myself is a wish i can hardly do, because it's complicated. i think i can only achieve it after going through something mentally painful.

january 1

happy new year!

Vienna classical new years concert on tv.
the sun shines through my window for a fresh day.
mount pilatus accompanied in the distance.
i feel so small in a comforting way.
i want to go on a walk every time i see them.
we had a nice buffet at the station.
after, we spend our day at the art museum. picasso, paul klee, kadisnky, monet, etc. paul klee caught my eye. i've heard of him before but i never saw his art until now. i locked in so hard. when you find a new artist you like inside a museum the entire experience feels so different. you just want to spend time for a whole day without getting tired.
big fan, linework, color contrasts, surreal visual style, geometric shapes, i love it. first day of the year: being inspired.

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