the previous diary was wack. i want to make it better
Gonna spend time working on this webpage. And i need to buy oil pastels to try out. And i want to buy lino tablets with other materials for carving and stamping. I need to make more.
The songs i write down on each entry are songs i wake up with in my head.
update. i didn't go outside because i was working on this webpage. I'm in the mood to become a hermit and be closed off from society becoming one with nature instead.
I went on a walk during break to buy some snacks. I tried Ube cookie. It was pretty good, but the spot behind my nose bridge and between my eyes started to hurt, probably because of the insane amount of butter in there.
I started making this webpage because i realized my 2025 ended.
It stayed sunny today as well. When i went home there was this huge flock of birds flying around again and this time it was HUGE. I've never seen this many in years.
I didn't know where those birds would fly to so i just cycled the regular route. They started to fly above me and i filmed them, it looked so cool. But i totally forgot it would be super risky. Because they pooped on my darkblue jacket. luckily not much but still. I felt embarassed but accepted it.
My dad told me it's a sign of luck, because it's a rare occurence.
I hope so.
At my internhip i was able to try to make lino prints. I had LOTS of fun. carving out the drawing i want to stamp. I can make so many prints and patches now. It's super easy to buy all the materials. I posted some pics online and my friend texted me to ask for a collab with her fashion project to sew patches with my drawings on them. Hellyeah i would.
In general it was such a beautiful day. Finally after so many windy wet and cold days the sun finally appeared.
I went for a long walk calling with my bf. He missed me and he didn't wanted to sleep alone. We just talked till he slept. I can't wait to meet him again.
At my internship i made a zine in 3 hours to get new story ideas. i love making zines so much now. it's so simple. i should make a new webpage with zines i made.
Today i met up with kiara's friends from the US. kiara is my bf's best friend. i met her through him and now she's also a good friend of mine.
But today i met up with two guys and i've met one of them before but only for just one day at the 4th of july party. his name is ryan. him and his roommates bought a giant sign saying: 'smoke hut' which was so funny and iconic. And he made a game called LifeLik together with kiara and some other friends, it's really good. they're still working on it but you can play most of the game already.
but he went traveling with his childhood friend Abe around europe to join multiple jazzjams and have a great time in general. today there was a jazz jam in amsterdam so ryan asked me to join them.
When i met up with them it was awkward at first obviously. i was suuuuper nervous because i didn't knew them that well, but it was cool.
Kiara has been saying to him that i play the piano so good as well. but i feel like she promoted me in a way like i was some sort of legend. Dude, clearly ryan and abe are way better than me. They both went to music school to play jazz together since middle school.
it was super crowded at this bar. the bar was attached to the music school of amsterdam, mainly focusing on jazz and pop. i almost wanted to go study there but realized animation was more of my passion. but when i saw those people jamming together i got a crazy amount of fomo from that. ugh i love jazz so much. i wish to be that good.
ryan and abe both felt a little intimidated by these people because it's next level good. they said they're more technical based than how it is in LA and Eugene. Abe wanted to try to play the piano with them so he stepped in line together with the people waiting for their turn.
ryan told me abe studied music in LA. Dude when he played i was atonished. he's so good man. wow.
ryan plays the saxophone but he didn't carry it with him so he also got fomo from that haha.
idk what we talked about further but it was very nice. i was so nervous the entire time. they're hella chill and talented guys. unfortunately i couldn't stay up till late because the train connections sucked so bad. the last train to home was before 1am.
ian was so jealous they got to hangout with me. sigh.
from now on i want to go to the cinema more often in a week. because i love movies and i will not get distracted while watching one. and watching it in a cinema is a different experience. full on focus on the movie.
i bought this cinema pass for 19eur per month for unlimited cinema visits. And yes there are some cinema's in my town that screen old classics so i'm hella down for that. AND i can go to this animation festival completely for free, heheheheh.
i watched the last viking. i'm not really into dark humor but there are some very funny moments in there.
but on the other hand i got a little uncomfortable by the people who laughed their asses off to someone getting beaten up really bad in a fucked up way.
I hate this day
I spend some time with my bf this morning which was very nice though. I appreciated it alot.
But I still had this wack feeling so i tried to change it by spending time by myself getting cake, sandwich and orange juice for lunch. As well with new cd's and a new shirt that's probably going to be my new favourite shirt.
Later today i went to this party to support my friend's performance and everything sucked again. Her directed performance wasn't bad, it was super amazing! She made all the costumes where one of them was made by her friend.
It was alright to see everyone again after months spending time abroad. I couldn't talk much because everything was too overwhelming and i only felt comfortable talking to my friend. But she hopped from multiple friends to another.
Later that night we danced in this other room to dance the fuckass wack feeling away. It failed. I danced alone between these couples.
today's lesson: never go to a party on valentines day (unless you're not single). But LDR just sucks on valentines day automatically.
i went home and cried.
i did some animation tests. i also got to meet up the team from means of destruction. it was cool. rn i met up the main creators of the show. one of them worked on nickelodeon and stuff. they also said someone else works here at this project who worked on smiling friends and is the creator of judas iscariot which is insaanee.
my brain was so fried today so i couldn't talk much about things to them. and i feel like this entire week is going to suck with my fried brain.
I bought a radio because I want to use more physical media since Spotify sucks. I'm also curious to see what old CDs my parents have, and it's nice to have something physical at all. I can also burn playlists onto CDs. Today, I burned Gary Wilson on cd with my favorite songs of his. Oh, and the radio can also play and RECORD cassette tapes. It's a real win-win.
my internship at a collective of freelance animators started. it's 10 minute bikeride away from my house so i'm very lucky with that.
We got to know each other a little and I looked at what everyone is working on. They are mainly working on their own projects and studio work. It's really cool what everyone is doing.
I'm going to do a lot of animation, concept art, and storytelling, and learn.
The project I'm most excited about is The Means of Destruction. It's a truly insane project. I'm quite lucky that the co-founder of that project is in this collective because he's not listed on their website, lol. i can't wait.
I bought a radio because I want to use more physical media since Spotify sucks. I'm also curious to see what old CDs my parents have, and it's nice to have something physical at all. I can also burn playlists onto CDs. Today, I burned Gary Wilson on cd with my favorite songs of his. Oh, and the radio can also play and RECORD cassette tapes. It's a real win-win.
I was planning to go to Kim's birthday party, and she had moved it especially for me, but unfortunately I suddenly got a sore throat and I just can't go. Really sucks. But oh well, next time then
Today I also went to judge the admissions for future animation students. It's so scary to be a judge and i'm never doing it again. But there are a lot of talented people coming in.
Oh my god, there was this guy who's really good at animation. He animated anime stuff and it looked fucking good. Mappa vibes. I tried so hard to keep my face neutral. next level pokerface, i kid you not.
went to the doctor for my wart. apparently you can just use ductape.
later i went to another big city to buy some pantyhoses. i spent a lot, oops, but they're all worth it.
on the way i saw a nice cafe that i wanted to try out. but i was too scared to go inside because i feel watched. but that doesn't maaatteerr. aaagghh.
Return day at school. Saw lots of presentations. Everyone had different internships, minors, and exchanges. In the evening, I went to Bikewars, a squat far from the center, to meet up with Lev. There's free food at this bar. It's always very chill there. It was nice to hangout and talk. he always goes on insane adventures like damn your life is fr a movie.
i went to the thriftstore. I was looking for clothes on the rack next to someone else, and we kind of searched towards each other, and then I came across one of the coolest shirts ever. Oh my god, if she had found it first, I would have been done for.
I looked around some more and then I was standing next to a really tall guy, alone in this hallway. And then he started talking: “15 euros for this Zara jacket? What?"
And I looked at him like, are you talking to me? And then he looked at me with a funny face like, “Huh?”
There was a silence: “15 euros for a Zara jacket, can you believe it?” he said.
“that's crazy, man.”
When i went to check out my stuff the cashier said the shirt was really cool: 'wow it'll make you a star. no you know what, you're already a star.'
i didn't know what to say so i said: 'aw you too.'
Went to the library to borrow a book. godamn being back home feels a little weird. i got to see my room in third person. it looks way cooler than my empty white room It's just filled with random shit, but now it feels more comforting and it looks like a pinterest picture.
Also being back in this country is kinda boring now. it's flat, wet and cold. no crazy nature, no mountains. just cool architecture and lots of canals. can you guess where i live?
i dropped off the last remaining food leftovers at school for people to use. also i dropped other unnecessary stuff in the secondhand closet. printed out my train tickets just in case.
Then i got a call from mahela and phil that they have something for me. they're at my front door. 'OPEN UP, LET US IN'. i walked out from school to them and we got to my apartment. It wasn't a surprise because they told me yesterday that they're going to visit me today.
They gave me chocolate from freiburg and rivella. And they gave me a book filled with messages and artwork from the entire class. It was adorable and funny. after they left my apartment with so much hugs i cried reading everything. I miss everyone man.
This night i had a goodbye party with other people from this apartment building. lol they peerpressured me to stay longer. especially andrés lol. i danced salsa and another latin dance with him it was fun. i didn't know he danced for 10 years.
i got to try out a dish from kazagstan and india it was so good. i both forgot the names godamnit.
finally i got the chance to leave because it was suuuper late and i had to leave tomorrow early in the morning at 8:00.
Last class about freelancing feedback round for our teacher and the whole planning of the semester. i was super tired and tried to sleep on the couch outside of the classroom but couldn't. watched all our final idents in the school cinema. it was beautiful. spend time with classmates at an aperol at school. ate kebab after. went to parterre for drinks and play games. luna, vaya, olivia, delia and lars made a 2000's magazine of their ident's presentation and put a crossword puzzel in it about all the idents. i remember their team playing alot of crossword puzzels during break.
felt heavy to say goodbye to so many people, they told me so much compliments and i tried not to cry. I stayed up till late until everyone else was planning to leave. i love everyone, they're the best people i've ever met. everyone is so cool, creative, funny and open to talk to anyone. i wish could've stayed longer but i think i could learn alot more at my internship.
I grabbed dinner with my teammates, noemi, phil and mahela. it was fun. We ate at a japanese restaurant with such good food. I did found out i'm super sensitive to wasabi, because my nose started to burn so bad i thought i got an allergic reaction. But regardless, it was nice to hangout with everyone like this again. we talked about so much random stuff.
ugh when i got home suddenly i feel this wack feeling attacking me out of nowhere.
Gosh what the fuck did i do. I think i'm doing very good when it comes to art opportunities and showing them. My movie was used for a 'good example' for the year below me, i finally got an internship where i get to work on something really cool and to learn about surviving as a freelance animator, got to work on an ident for Adult Swim where i got to be the art director for it, I know people who are incredibly inspired by me and one of them made an entire youtube essay about the realities of being an oddball artist, which is a really good and awesome video go watch it!, and they tagged me in it. i feel so honored. It's all very cool and i'm happy that that part of my life is doing well. But a part of my social life is just fucked up and i don't want to compare myself with other people. It has a huge impact on literally everything and i just can't think straight anymore because of it. I chose this part and i don't know how to get out of it.
talked with the head of animation for the last time and showed him my exchange logbook. he approved, yippee.
had another meeting with my internship to get to know more people. everyone is super chill. i'm going to work on something REALLY cool so that's incredibly awesome.
Later i had a music jam with Tom. he's REALLY good with jazz piano. i can listen to him forever. he learned me some more jazz basics while improvising on the piano together.
i like that there's a piano at school. we should have a piano at my art college back home too.
i didn so much.
showered at 2pm.
walked to the post office holding 6kg package to send to home. my arms are so strong now. i'm sweating i asked someone where the post office is bc i couldn't find it. turn left, go upstairs to right. thanks. found it and made a label. there were so many items in my package the cashier had to write them all down. sorry for the people waiting. it's fun to sign papers.
bought groceries for the last week.
did laundry
vacuumed my room.
watched stranger things on those pirated movies website (because who tf wants to use netflix for that) to hate on it for fun because the script is so cliché and bad.
i wanna watch heather and finish watching twin peaks.
entire day watching presentations showing our idents to our clients.
ate grapes.
gave the presentation about our ident for adult swim and was nervous. everything went well actually. people laughed watching our ident. only compliments.
Gerhard Wolf who represents Adult Swim Europe, said he was already super happy from the start and that 'there's always a project each year that you know it's going to succeed well, and this is that project. we didn't had to worry about it." and "most people see adult swim as grim, dirty and dark but you guys made the opposite: very surreal in this fantastical world with so much weirdness. it's different but fitting. it's super cool.' biggest compliment every holyshit.
after i went out with noemi, nils, delia, clementine, laurenz and julia. first there was an aperol goodbye party for one of the teachers. everyone wanted me to be there. then they said they were going to the light festival to watch their animations in the chapel in town and asked if i could come join them. uhm i was on my period and it happened that day in the morning to it's the worst. i still accepted the invite because i wanted to spend more time with everyone before i leave.
we went to watch the animations and then we entered this small aperol in the small cozy backroom of the chapel. we just ate snacks and drank some cider.
embarassing moment happened. I took a dump in the church's toilet and i lied to everyone that it stank in there already before me. I hope they believed me. I hope even God got my back in there (i'm atheist).
i stole some nuts from the aperol when we left. We went to a bar. unfortunately delia had to go home early.
then at the bar we talked about, school, embarassing piss and poop stories and other embarassing things. wow, talking about perfect timing.
One of them held a bottle for someone to pee in, Someone else peed in a 1,5L bottle after hours of holding it and filled it completely, someone else pooped out of a window, the other peed in the park at daylight infront of some important wall as a child, someone else just pissed in their friends garden every time they came over. I had massive diarrhea at an airport toilet and it echoed super loudly through everything, full on reverb, and i heard people laughing. Walk of shame to the sink washing my hands, then double walk of shame through the people.
But one of them had some hella good barf story: They were playing a Mario kart drinking game where they had to drink every round. Someone stood up and suddenly barfed on the floor, then he tripped over it and fell. He continued barfing on the floor. poor guy.
i was physically dying today. why does it keep happening when the most fun nights require physical pain like headaches and all that. i don't want that to happen anymore. but regardless of the pain, this day was awesome.
It's almost time. Almost time to leave Switzerland. I've learned alot from this school and from myself i guess. It was the first time leaving my house and it has been the greatest shit ever, but also the worst. The worst because i noticed i get anxious when i'm at a place far away from my family. I constantly think that something fucked up might happen and that i would die alone or that no one would help me on time. Iknow it won't happen, but my brain is weird. I'm trying to let it temporarily rain on me and leave those thoughts. I looovvee traveling so much, but the fact that i get panic attacks from thinking about those things is just annoying. There's this paradoxal thing where i really want to leave my country so bad, but as soon when that happens i get panic attacks and want to go back to familiar safety.
Regardless of all that i had a really great time in general. I miss my hometown and i never thought i would say that because i was so bored back home. And i miss the punkconcerts. I gained the courage to text with friends to hangout and i can't wait to see them. I'm still kind of scared because i never know what to do but that's why we'll just figure it out. mhyea. my brain is fried from compositing my movie. Oh i just ate dinner together with classmates which is so fun. I'm going to miss that. I wish we could do that at my homeschool but nop we're not even able to stay there till late. i would love to switch but i don't want to make a thesis soooooo. i'd rather want to finish this. i'm going to miss everyone and i'm definitely planning to see everyone again during christmas maybe. Definitely during Annecy if i got the money.
i didn't know what day it was, maybe today, but one of my classmates and friend, luna, made pasta for the people who stayed up late at school to work on our idents. vaya and livio did groceries. pasta was so good. it's so fun to eat with classmates together at school. you get to know them better it's super cozy.
ugh i wish my school has that. i'm going to miss all of this. felt happy to study and work between lovely people i feel comfortable with.
walked around town recording sounds for my logbook. i have to hand it in soon. I went to the lightfestival, watched animations that are projected inside a chapel classmates made. it was really cool. going on dates alone feels sometimes special.
didnt' do much. watched the oc, bought stuff at zumstein papeterie. i need to eat. i want to make oatmeal cookies tomorrow. haven't showered in a while i feel discusting.
yesterday i was about to sleep and called with ian while he was working. i woke up with heart palpitations, blegh.
Had dinner with my chillian roommate and his friends and other people from the apartment building. My roommate made chillian dinner:
1. idk what it's called but it were selfmade mini soft dough chips dipped in chillian salsa.
2. chillian hotdogs. there's a very specific way to put the ingredients on there:
hungout with classmates at school around 21:00. we just talked about alot of random stuff. it was fun. scar stories, meme's, the o.c., ex-boyfriends i guess, etc. fucked up icetea in the fridge that had bloodcloth transparant looking mold in there that fell in my cup.
I went to my classmates apartment to hangout. on the way we walked underneath a bridge with some abandoned vans parked away near some small busstop, it was a vibe.
then we walked past a giant field that has normally alot of corn. We heard cows in the barn.
we made rice with tons of leek and tofu made by vietnamese monks, so that cool. his mom brought it for him. tofu tasted like an omelet it's so interesting.
we drank tea and eve litchi beer. i got stomach aches from it and that's when i really figured i'm sensitive to beer. it happened multiple times before but couldn't lay a finger on it what the cause could be.
school wasn't that interesting. it was just only work.
But after that i went to the filmclub in the school's cinema room. we watched to wong foo. i cried 3 times. ugh you just have to see it. it's such a good feel good movie.
Literally watched the O.C. the entire day. didn't feel like doing something productive.
the show is about a roubled poor teen from the suburbs that got adopted by his rich attorney because his family can't take care of him anymore.
so he enters into this typical world of rich teen adventures that everyone dreams of and family drama. It's usually a show that i would hate but you know what, it's sometimes nice to watch some silly drama. there are alot of good plottwists tbh.
i love free time. when i have free time with no stress and worry it's a good day.
woke up from a nightmare again at night. It's scary to wake up alone from that. i called ian for reassurance. i continued sleeping till 2pm. wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone but i was hungry and someone else was in the kitchen so i had to. i talked to my roommate for a couple minutes while eating oatmeal and then left.
i didn't do anything productive. got groceries, made vegetable soup and started watching the O.C. that two of my classmates recommended to me saying: "IT'S SO GOOOOD, I'M GLUED TO MY SCREEEN.'
woke up from a nightmare at night. came late to school.
had 2 meetings. one was just talking about my exchange logbook.
the other was an interview with my potential internship. it went really well. they're happy to have me as intern. I am so glad that I was able to find an internship opportunity after all. "it's going to be chaotic but you can think about it" made me a little scared, but i guess we'll see.
in the morning we recorded some sounds in the foleyroom. actually this foley person did it for us and she's insanely good. i forgot this is a job that people do, i'm lowkey considering it.
later me and my teammate just only worked on sound editing. the rest of my team was sick unfortunately. it was a tiring day.
i watched welcome to the dollhouse. it was just sad.
felt like shit today because my brain decided to compare my life to others. i fucking hate it and i want to quit.
instead i tried to work and listen to punk/midwest emo to distract myself to try to focus.
doing morning stretches and wanting to sleep again. but i need to do something on this fine morning. so i made gyoza for on the way and walked along the river again. i bought more snacks: pretzel and a warm pastry. the sun shines on the houses across the river on the hill. how can some people live in such beautiful places.
i keep seeing the red kite bird everywhere, flying around, it's so cool.
i met a cat
walked underneath a tunnel filled with spiderwebs. walked along the town's oldest wall with towers. people were sledding downhill to the wall.
ate my gyoza at the lake where someone fed seaguls.
went home and ate salad, tofu and tomatosoup. called ian, he's sick but doing better now.
i feel sleepy.
woke up at 4 am and saw snow falling outside. ian wanted to call me because he missed me so much. i miss him too alot. i slept at 5 till 11.
luzern became a winter wonderland. i decided to go for a walk after eating my elftover banana pancakes. everything looks so pretty outside. snowblanket, snowman, snowpeople. i like it when humans have the urge to sculpt and make art out of snow.
my feet hurt from walking. i put on awful shoes. the only water repellant shoes. i got a panful blister that makes me walk like an old man.
went home to call with ian again. ate dinner: salad with ravioli. i heard my roommate practice her opera singing. she's doing a master's. she's really good.
i saw a blood moon appear when the sun was setting from the kitchen.
i watched the holdovers. i like it when movies have troubled people becoming kind of friends together. in this movie they're just acquaintances, annoying student / teacher dynamic. hate and annoyance switch to acceptance and understanding while they learn something from eachother.
i'm grateful my mom and my brother visited me to spend time together during the holidays. today i was waving them goodbye at the trainstation.
after, i walked the stairs 8 times to do the luadry because the elevator doesn't work. i don't mind.
i threw the rest of my wishes in the river and got 3 pretty stones for in return. one reminds me of paul klee's artwork and it fits perfectly in my palm.
my remaining wish i have to work on myself is a wish i can hardly do, because it's complicated. i think i can only achieve it after going through something mentally painful.
Vienna classical new years concert on tv. the sun shines through my window for a fresh day. mount pilatus accompanied in the distance. i feel so small in a comforting way. i want to go on a walk every time i see them.
we had a nice buffet at the station.
after we spend our day at the art museum. picasso, paul klee, kadisnky, monet, etc. paul klee caught my eye. i've heard of him before but i never saw his art until now. i locked in so hard. when you find a new artist you like inside a museum the entire experience feels so different. you just want to spend time for a whole day without getting tired.
big fan, linework, color contrasts, surreal visual style, geometric shapes, i love it. first day of the year: being inspired.