April 20
I actually made this site today. I put the rest of the other entries in here because i decided to not put it on my other site that's kind of dying. And because people i know have seen my website and i don't want them to read these so this is going to be more personal.
The entries i put in here were from a wack photo journal but now i'd rather want to switch to just this with less photo's. I had more entries but they were just photo's and i don't want to show all of them because of privacy reasons.
Anyways, so basically this one feels like an official first entry. Oh Wow oN FoUr TwEnTy oh haha wooww, it's toime fOr a sm0oke i guEss. Nah have done that for a long time and always got headaches after.
During highschool i had a group of friends where we tried alot of stuff like drugs and alcohol. I only tried alcohol and weed because i didn't wanted to die on waterpoison. I still don't want to try. But the fucked up thing was that we went stealing alcohol during every break. That's when my alcohol use became more fucked later on. I did know how to manage it to avoid passing out ofcourse, but i did had the huge urge to drink it more often to use it only during social interactions. And now i still use it during social interactions and i hate it, because i want to connect with people when i'm sober. I want the same feeling and comfort that i get from drinking when i'm sober which is incredibly hard. I don't want my brain to shrink even further to the point my frontal lobe is damaged.
I don't really have any good communication skills which sucks and makes me feel lonely especially during college. College makes you feel really lonely to the point you don't even know if you're going to make out of the pit. Or just being in your 20's because not everyone is studying.
Ofcourse you'll loose friends from highschool which i didn't mind tbh. But maybe unconsciously i do. Because now i really feel the loneliness kick in. I only got three friends right now including my bf. But i don't hangout much with them and my bf lives all the way across the globe so it's even harder to go to cool places with him.
Eventhough my classmates host a night out on some thursdays to escape the stress from school and... have a drink. Those time's feel much more fun when you can drink but i feel like it's literally impossible for me to not drink during those times.
Last year i went to an animation festival in Annecy in france and they had a special cafe/bar where all the certified artists meet: 'cafe des arts' You walk among celebreties who are open to talk to everybody. But so the thing was, i have to drink, otherwise I can't make it through the night, otherwise i can't connect to get an internship at an insane studio or maybe a job already who knows.
We went there for 5 days in a row, and drank. Hangovers almost every morning but that doesn't matter because you go back to watching a movie somewhere in a cinema anyway while chilling on a bed you can sit only basically. To get rid of hangovers the next morning: drink TONS of water the night before. Fuck raw eggs or any other shit.
Since then i realized it's impossible for me to not drink inside a crowd of people, unless someone watches over me, but i don't want to ruin their night because of that.
March 14
I went to a punkconcert with 3 bands: Eddie and the Roadcrew, M.U.G., The Protos.
That night was a bad feverdream because i went alone and none of my friends was able to join me unfortunately. But it was also very small group of people and i also saw other people from other bands there who were definitely friends with M.U.G. so ofcourse when that band was playing everyone was moshing so hard. At the rest of the two bands the crowd was just standing there, not even all the way at the front. All the bands had the same energy like what's goin on??. Maybe i'm only used to shows where everyone is moshing non-stop. I only took video's of only M.U.G. so these pics are stills i like. The last one is from The Protos but yeagh the room was half empty.
During every break I mostly went outside but i felt super awkward standing alone between two groups of people. So when i went inside i saw a noise DJ playing in a big empty space of room. So he was just dancing, screaming, talking gibberish, humming, fucking around on his dj set, while there were one or two other guys dancing around. I'll just show a video because it's too random to just photograph.
March 10
Almost always before i go out my neighbors cat is in my garden which is so cute. I can still remember when i was 12 she had 4 kittens, but they were sold unfortunately. So this was like 9 years ago. I have no idea how old she is now, but I hope she will be here much longer.
I walked around downtown looking for a gift for my bf but it wasn't there unfortunately :( so i went back to my bike to go home. But on my way there was a mineral/spiritual shop so i couldn't miss it. I don't really believe in gemstone spirituality, i'm just interested on how they're made and how cool they look. Eventually i bought a few ones and my favourite is the Fluorite Angel because it just looks so pretty.
I rather want to buy the natural structures of those mineral/gemstones/rocks though because all of them look more unique which they are, but unfortunatelt they didn't had much of them at this store. They mostly had carved ones or already the natural structure ones that i already have like amethyst, rosequartz and halite. There were a few natural structures that i don't have yet in my collection but they were much more expensive so i'll come back on them later. I'm still baffled how tf the universe can make this shit and we can see and hold them (not all of them because some can be radioactive).
Especially Meteorites are really interesting. That mineral wizard showed me a piece of meteorite. The structure was so cool with lot's of straight lines apparently called Widmanstätten pattern. Meteorites contain meteoritic iron which were part of planets or astroids. These celestial bodies disintegrated millions or even billions of years ago, or perhaps never fully formed. So fragments of them were just floating around space for insane long periods of time before meeting earth. When they did visit earth they hit a staggering amount of 17,000 miles per hour encountering our atmosphere because of their huge velocity. Like damn. And because of the insane amount of heat they endure the surface can melt and flow to form into unique formations. One of those formations is when meteoric iron cools and kamacite is exsolved from taenite where the Widmanstätten pattern will be formed showing lamellae (interleaving kamacite and taenite bands). I'd be cool if the shop i went to has meteorite.
Anyways, i had a good day
I'm writing this on march 9th but i did had a cool day on march 5-6th.
I went to chill with a friend and some other aquaintances on the hill after school. The sun was finally doing us good. It was a pretty big site ofc. Around 20 people live in that squat and it looks quite awesome. I couldn't see much though because it was hella dark already. When going inside it is a rly vibey cool bar. My first impression felt like i came in an old pub like in movies because everyone was staring at you when you came in, but in a good way though because everyone is welcome. There were alot of dogs roaming around which is awesome. If you wanted to eat you had to pay just 3 euro's and a beer cost only 1 euro's. Such an amazing place.
(I took the following pictures after almost everyone was gone though) While i was there other friends and ppl came in too and the place was a bit crowded. Much later i was having a super long conversation with an old guy who squats for over 40 years which is really cool. I talked to other people too and idk everyone was pretty fun. I ate yummy soup and a bit of fries that they've made, it was soooo good.
And someone else was really passionate about gemstones and walking around showing people and telling really interesting facts about them. Dude, i've been collecting gemstones for over 10 years rightnow but that dude is rich af. He had fucking pure blue sapphire, ruby, 3 small parts of different type/phases of a meteorite, opal, star opal, aquamarine, and more that i forgot the name of. I was already interested in the convo because of gemstones but DAMn. The fact that he just had them in his pocket the entire day baffles me too, like who walks around with idk maybe 100,- worth of gemstones. Ultimate npc vibe. He's like a mineral wizard trader. The best part is that he gave me one small piece of opal for free! The entire night felt like a game because of him and now i have to come back next time to show him my collection of gemstones, but i'm very much looking forward to that tbh. I received +100p amount of gem knowlegde that night.
Much later i played jazz on the piano. I was also jamming/doing improv together with someone else. Unfortunately many keys didn't work :(. But someone told me that they're going to switch this piano with a better one that they already have in a different room. Anyways, this place is awesome.
March 5/6
She and I had agreed to go to “bikewars” afterwards, a squat where you can chill out and get super cheap food. It's a bar quite far from downtown at an old business site, but fine to bike.
Tbh i didn't know what to say the entire time before we went there, because i hadn't seen anyone in a while and i don't know them well, only my friend. It felt like i was just there as a background character, which i feel like my entire life tbh. I began to feel really really bad socially and wanted to go away but i also wanted to know what "bikewars" was and i didn't wanted to leave so sudden.
When i'll come back i hope he will identify a weird looking stone i once found when i was around 9 on one of those French stone beaches for me.
