Song of the month: Airiel, Stella Tran - Firefly
June 2nd
Happy pride month!! Today is a pretty day ngl. It's cloudy but warm and i like that. I don't like it when the sun is shining on you with it's deathrays. I should go outside and rest my eyes for a bit because i got eyestrain after looking a bit too long at the laptop screen during animating. Gotta follow the 20-20-20 rule: after every 20 minutes look at something 20 feet away for 20 sec.
I want to go to this really cool spot underneath this bridge to draw. I should go now since it's almost 10am because it's a bit far away from my house.
nvm i didn't go outside because i slept and dreamed abt cool stuff instead. I need to redraw the figurines i saw in my dream because they all looked so cool.
I used to hate cherry's but now i love them. i didn't like them because of the texture and the pits inside because i was afraid to choke on them. But now i really love the sweet taste and the texture is fine now. I hope one day i'll be able to like bell pepper because it's in like almost everything. At school they sell these really good filling salads and wraps at the cafeteria, but unfortunately they ALL have bell pepper in them. Maybe for now it's better to not like bell pepper because then i would've sucked out almost my entire bank account. But i gotta take care of my bank account more because i'll be going to two very expensive places in one year which is quite insane. I'm glad the government pays me around 400 a month when i'm out of the house.
Woah it's suddenly so sunny outside it's nice. less warm than before so it's okay to go outside right now. Omygod i put so many cherries in my bowl idk if i can eat them all up. hehehe some look so wrinkly, they're still good dw. Anyway, i'm going to download the game 'Night in the Woods' because my bf recommended it to me. It looks really cool and comfy.
May 31
I had my last day of work today because I'm going on vacation soon and stuff. I haven't told anyone because I'm acquainted with my co-workers. I did hang out with them a few times but I can't talk as well as they do. At the end, while everyone was sitting outside drinking, I grabbed the last trash from the trash can, went outside and said I was too tired to stay so I was leaving now. 'aw, okay goodnight,' everyone said and continued talking to each other. I put the trash in the big container and cycled home. As a dishwasher, it's pretty hard to get to know people because you're always the last to finish. But that also depends on how big the restaurant is. This restaurant was big as fuck so there will always be around 200 people coming over. I always finish around 1 a.m., which is always when my colleagues are about to go to the club or home. During work I'm not a talker anyway. I worked with this colleague once and I knew she was pretty uncomfortable with silences. Anyway, I was glad I knew Ruby and Evelyn so I could talk easier with other people, but still it was always eehh. I also feel like everyone tends to talk a lot more with people they think are pretty. I noticed that they asked more questions to someone else who was new than me. I also heard them talk a lot about other people how beautiful or ugly they were, which sometimes felt a little toxic. I feel like they definitely talked about me, but I don't even want to think about it. But they are also nice people because they do invite me to do something with them after work. But yes, I still felt a little awkward and uncomfortable. Anyway, I was already planning to quit.
I have no idea yet what other part time job would be nice but we'll see.
May 30
One of my friends who play in the band ‘Fit’ had texted me to visit their concert today, because they were playing their new EP. Also because I can pick up the logo stickers because I made the logo.
They have really come super far with their band. They won a 1000 euro prize to make new music with new equipment and stuff and they played on TV which is even more insane. instead of playing support act for other bands they became the main show. I hadn't seen them for a long time because of course they are touring a lot.
I was doubting at first if I should go there because I was extremely tired, but then again I haven't been to one of their concerts in a long time. luckily the venue was very close to my house so if I pass out or something it will be fine. I was so tired man. But i went anyways. Actually, the moshpit had woken me up a bit.
Later I also happened to run into someone I haven't seen in a long time who is also friends with the bandmembers. Let's call her Nora. I remember we went to the middle of nowhere and sat in a cottage with 10 people total or something. I was trip sitting them all while the rest did so many random things. That was kind of funny. On the first day everyone was very emotional which felt weird but was fine. The next few days we went wild. Only I had body dysmorphia so I only wore an oversized shirt and pants while everyone was running around the house half naked because it was like 86F.
I do remember well that one person in the friend group didn't do drugs either. We had a pretty long conversation about all kinds of things, but mostly relationships and so on. He was like, 'yeah idk it feels kind of embarassing to talk about but i really want a gf so bad man.' I mean go for it man. And then after a few months he had a partner. I often notice when I have a conversation with people who tell me their wishes they ALWAYS come true. they are always very personal wishes, but they always come true when they tell me. Maybe they have also told other people but idk often they say they don't talk about it often. It was mostly wishes about them wanting a partner though and yes that can sound a bit downbad but ey most people want to be with someone and make connections. So i guess when you want a partner, come to me or something, tell your wish to the detail and it will come true in 4 months. i don't know why it's always 4 months, bit scary actually.
Anyway, I was chatting with Nora and later that guy also met there and let us meet his new girlfriend. He was also telling us that someone we know as well was celebrating her party after all this with a different artist playing. We could be going there but we didn't really knew the artist.
After the show was over me and Nora talked to the bandmembers for a bit and then went somewhere for a drink and caught up on everything. she was doing most of the talking but that was fine because I didn't have any interesting stories to tell or anything.
But damn she really does an enormous amount in her life. She organizes things in a student union and I think she wants to be a diplomat and just had her last russian exam. She's constantly partying with people. Now she wants to take it easy because she was extremely busy.
We were at one of those typical bars where there were these bad sing-alongs being played. There were also only those rich people coming, who had those frat vibes. I had never seen so much beige in one place. It felt like a big side-quest and I actually felt a little uncomfortable because most of the guys were touching you in uncomfortable places and stuff. There was a guy who was the same age that I was talking to quietly at first and then he touched me on my hip and ass, fucking discusting. So i started dancing more to get him out of my space lol. I actually wanted to leave but Nora was having a great time so I gaslighted myself that it was fun. Eventually it did get a little more fun because we had met someone there who was nice and not weird, who just wanted to chill with us. We had also met an actor there, no celebrity yet, had just graduated, but he came up to us all drunk but was still just really nice and funny. We had a silly conversation with him and idk how the rest of the evening went. Oh wait we did get free drinks because Nora knew the bar guy from her russian studies. In general it was nice to talk again to Nora after a while.
We left at 3 o'clock. finally. i thought it was kind of weird that it got light as early as 3:30. Along the way, I ran into another person I hadn't seen in a long time. Sorry I don't want to say the names of these people because this is private. I really hardly see these people either. I'm only giving my friends or other people i was with for a long time another name. But he said he had been to that someone's birthday and that Ruby and Evelyn were there too, at that party that played after Fit. I was better off staying there.
In hindsight, I could go to that bridge where the train tracks pass under on my way home, because that's such a good place to see the city a little bit.
May 27
Yesterday, on a fresh Monday, I skipped school because I felt too tired and overwhelmed to hang out with anyone. First, I went to get something to eat and tried out the new hamburger our grocery store was selling. It was strange because it was a kind of stuffed burger in the completely sealed dough/bun with some sort of tomato paste? I didn't expect it to be quite tasty.
Later I went to this other bridge i went earlier and drew there. Much later i went to the bridge in this pic and I should have stayed there longer. It was great to discover that under this bridge you can also just picnic by the water. This is where I want to draw next time. To my mind it's not that far from here. It was about 10.8 km (6.7 miles) from my home. I think it's not really far. Maybe it's because i used to cycle 20km per day in total to my other old high school, even during rainy days. I never took the bus it was insane.
Now suddenly after saying that i'm thinking about my old high school experiences.
i went to two high schools: first one was 10km away and the second one was just in my town.
the first one was a weird experience. it was awful but it was also quite nice a few times. we had two classes that you could choose beside your main class: art class and sport class. I choose for art class and thank god i was around nice people. But some of them were so fucking annoying. The rest of my main class were so fucking annoying and awful. 3 people bullied me mentally for being too quiet and fat, eventhough i wasn't fat. and all the other girls were trying to be populair so bad. But yeah that's like basic movie school vibes. The nice things that were happening were when me and my friend were just cycling around, hanging out doing random stuff together, shopping together, had lunch in the toilets because we wanted to get out of the busy cafeteria. I had also art friends i hung around with who watched alot of anime and i also got into anime because of them. i actually had 6 good friends where 1 of them was in my main class. the rest of them were from art class, which sucked actually. But anyway, the fun stuff we also had were the christmas parties and other fun events the school made up like competitions or just random swimming days.
I used to bike with my friends to this school that I had known since high school, but somehow I didn't really hang out with them during breaks because they were in other classes and had their own friends. So we only had conversations as we biked to school. One of them was one of my best friends who I also hung out with outside of school because we played tennis together. We had a tennis friend group, but it consisted only of people who were “really good” at tennis. There was one girl who wasn't very good yet and my then bff talked very badly about her. But as soon as she got better, she suddenly acted nice to her, so she was invited into the group. We had a few sleepovers and I absolutely hated them because they made me feel uncomfortable, but I didn't want to feel alone and left out so I kept going when they invited me. They made me uncomfortable because I felt like I constantly had to say something to not seem boring. They also usually bullied someone in our group. let's call him Ivan. Sometimes we all had fun moments without bullying, but there were also moments that were not fun. I felt sorry for him. He could play tennis really well but they didn't even invite him to sleepovers. And during fun tennis games they were making dark jokes and telling him he was a loser constantly as a joke which didn't felt like a joke eventually. I was trying to team up with him more so that he wouldn't feel lonely. Whenever he was yapping about random stuff everyone was mocking him for being smart in a bad way. Always when he left to go somewhere quickly the rest said he was weird and a “softy” it was so fucking awful. Luckily there was one guy who did say to everyone that it was just pathetic to keep teasing him but everyone didn't really listen. It was also always during hide and seek when other people always let him be the first to find him by idk pushing him or sacrificing themselves to help the finder find him. And when he was the one other people had to find, everyone would leave the whole tennis court for hours. The second time I didn't go with the rest because I felt sorry for him, and duh everyone else was a jerk. They purposely didn't make it fun for him so THEY would have fun. He kept telling them to stop and was very upset several nights. I ended up hiding with ivan during a game and it took a long time to find us. I had a great time with him because I felt very comfortable talking about anything. he liked to yap about random informative things and he was funny. also, I had a little crush on him because he was really the nicest person I met at that time. Eventually I told him that everyone was saying bad things about him. he said he knew, but he just let it go because he didn't want to leave one of his best friends who was also in this group.
I didn't feel good at that time either and I used to bike home crying because I felt like I was boring and also a weirdo because they also kept telling me to say something. One time I went home from tennis I couldn't handle everything anymore and also because people were bullying me at school so I wanted to throw myself in front of a car. When a car was speeding by at around 1 a.m. I was just about to cross. Suddenly just before the car almost hit me someone yelled “STOP” behind me and I stopped. The car also stopped very quickly and it hit my front wheel. It was Ivan who was apparently cycling behind me and happened to see it. The car drove away and I acted clumsy. 'Be careful next time! 'yeah, sorry I will!' 'well, good night!' 'good night!'
I stopped playing tennis because of all the pressure to get better and fit in. When I went to my other school I met someone who knew him very well and said he was not doing well at all. He went to a psychiatric hospital for a year or so and it was really bad. I hope he's doing well now.
Second school i went to was chaotic but way better. I made a lot of friends and began to feel a bit more comfortable. Man, too much stuff happened from lots of parties trying out drugs and alcohol (i never tried harddrugs though) to just random adventures. drinking at school which was fucked but an experience, pancake fridays, going to the middle of nowhere with my new and best friendgroup at the time while i was trip sitting them watching over people which was funny to me. Going to the Ardennes and Gent on a schooltrip. Making music with A LOT of people, entered bands and stuff but they all died unfortunately. I was called 'the piano girl' because i was always playing the piano in the hallway. I had to redo another year so i met one of my best friends Ruby. Since then we had noodle tuesday's at her friends house, halloween parties, random adventures around the city, going on rooftops, Going to illegal raves. When it comes to love life stuff it still sucked because yeah i kept liking people who either already had partners or people who CLEARLY didn't like me or i assumed they didn't like me back because i only got rejected in my life. And yeah tbh that made me depressed for a very long time. Everyone else got movie like love life's that i wanted too but never got. I was always the thrid wheel. Eugh yuck, there was a time me and my friend were working on a schoolproject and her friend stopped by. They literally confessed to eachother that day outside in the garden when i was sitting at the table inside. When they came back they started to make out sloppy style in front of me on the chair. So i started sitting on the couch because i felt awkward not to say something about it. After 15 minutes they stopped and said: 'hey, sorry come sit with us.' i was like okayy... once i sat down they FUCKING CONTINUED. i started calling another friend that they HAVE to come join me because i felt so uncomfortable.
Anyway, even through hardships i had experienced cool stuff during that school period with old friends.
We went to one of our countries islands on a schooltrip. They had bunkers and we snuck out of the hotel to have a party in one of them.
Another friend of mine, let's call him Elio, wasn't even allowed on this trip, which sucked. So he snuck onto the island alone without the teachers knowing.
The reason why he wasn't allowed to go was because he did something disturbing at an art exhibition for a certain class for school. I was allowed to join that class and i don't know why anymore but it was still fun. The entire exhibition was about escapism/existentialism i think. Our school rented an entire floor of a building for us to make rooms. Each room was supposed to be interactive to let the visitor feel the theme. everyone was doing their own thing and helped eachother out. i was helping Elio with his project. He got room number 4 with 2 dead mouses laying in the middle of the room. We removed it and continued cutting out disturbing photo's for him to glue it on the wooden walls he was allowed to use. it was still a mess with paper, cigarette packets, cigarette butts, empty bottles of alcohol and broken glass around the room. He didn't elaborate on what he was planning to do, so we thought it would be a fun surprise. As i was glueing a picture of a pierced dick on the wall my thumb got burned with a huge clump of glue and i had to run to the faucet.
After the pain subsided I let the rest stick and cut out some shocking images. Elio said his plan was for people to “destroy” him. It was so unclear at first. 'I'm basically going to kill myself.' his friend came in and said, 'you shouldn't die in the first round lol, haha.' 'I'll save some in the 2nd round then.' said Elio.
I'm not going to explain it in full detail but he cut himself multiple times with broken glass, standing half naked in front of the distrubing pictures in the background. Only 8 people including me saw it because the teachers stopped him immediately.
It's such a weird feeling when you see someone else cutting themselves while your brain is processing everything, like, is he sincerely doing this? is this real? There was pretty quick action fortunately because it could have been worse. He had 8 stitches left. But yeah, he left some traumatic thoughts for most people who were able to see it. It's tattoed in my head permanently, but that doesn't mean he's not allowed to go on a simple fun school trip. Since the majority of the other people didn't even see it happen it's okay. It was such a shitty move towards him, and everyone else who were going on that trip were mad as well. so his best friends made a hoody in protest of him not being able to join. They drew a cool illustration with the text: 'where's Elio?' And at the back of the hoodie were all the names written of the people who went. Elio secretly traveled alone to the island and stayed in an airbnb. At night me and 10 other people i think went to these bunkers and invited Elio to join and it was so fun. It was the best school trip i've ever had. We watched the stars when it was around 4am and afterwards some people went back to the hotel and some people stayed outside for a morning walk. Elio ended up climbing a 5G mast near the bunkers when the sun was about to rise.
May 23
i can't seem to focus on other things anymore these days. I want to notice some random stuff and learn new things. I've been listening to Tor's Cabinet of Curiosities and every video is so interesting. But my brain just seems not to take it in. it takes so long for something to be processed in my head and that's for even the simplest things. also when making decisions it's hard to choose. why is my brain not working properly??!! Anyway, i recently made an animation for someone who wants to make music under it. now only at that point my brain was working. But i'm very excited on how it would look like.
Also today i went to a museum for creative writing and it was pretty fun. We had to write something based on your favourite artwork while we also had to describe them to the detail in your own words.
My favourite artwork i came across in the museum was 'Hospitality and Generosity' (2019-2024) by Kinke Kool, a dutch artist.
It has a surreal look to it. It looks like a plant with pearls and it's not just any plant you see every day. But the artwork is about eroticism and fertility. Hospitality is an important element in eroticism: being open to the other.
For the assignemnt we had to make associations with it. I took what I saw too literally so I made a story about this cool plant where those pearls would taste like honey.
Then we had to make up a character based on the same favorite artwork and had to tell the story to someone else. They also had to tell their story to you and then you both had to create dialogue from those two characters. I read my story to another student from another study and it was so scary to talk to someone new. I tend to talk very fast and at the same time I stumble over words or can't find words to say. She asked a lot of questions, but my brain is in stress mode that it's hard for me to make and ask questions to let her know i'm interested in talking too. After i came home i started to overthink about every little thing i did when talking to her and it's so fucked up. Anyway, it was another communication practice and i hope i'll become better at it.
May 21
Damnit, when I went to therapy I asked if they could give me advice on how to make friends and they literally said, “sorry, I can't help you with that.”
ouch. they couldn't really help me with my social anxiety very well either so i guess i need to find a new one. But it's super expensive so I guess I'll just have to do it myself.
Okay, i really need to call a friend or something. i haven't seen her in a long time. i really need to get over my fear of thinking i'm boring.
Sorry i'm bad with telling stories in here. i don't do much these days as well so i don't have any cool tea to spill.
May 18
Yesterday i had to send a lot of emails to the school im attending abroad for exchange. It's in Switzerland and i'm pretty hyped about it. But somehow i've also overhtought about it that it may be a wrong decision since school overhere is slowly draining me. But overthere it feels like a new kind of start, but different. I'll be around completely new people and the environment is different. I'll be attending right after summer so... I haven't seen snow in ages though so i'm also excited about that. I still need to find a good winter jacket when i come over because i still want to look comfy and cool. The winter jackets i already have are not really designed for harsh winters, more for autumn temperatures. I love layering my outfits a lot so that's why i love winter sometimes. But i need to be prepared for it because it's fucking Switzerland.
i do be a bit scared that i might get into some greater, heavier depression because i'll be alone coming over and it's a lot harder for me to make great connections with new people. Also i'm very sure i'll be eating a lot less because i always notice that when i went on vacation with friends in the past we all never ate much because of the money. Switzerland is pretty expensive, so there will be times when i'll be eating just plain bread for dinner which i'm fine with tbh. i need to eat less anyway.
For the rest, i hope i'll be able to go on safe adventures like hiking in the mountains. I love mountains so much, i hate that my country doesn't have any. No, a hill is not a fucking mountain. I miss hiking whenever i come back from vacation. The last time i went hiking was in Scotland in the Highlands. I gotta say it was one of the best vacations i've ever had. i went there with mom while my brother and dad went to Bali. There were so many mushrooms it was insane. The coolest i've spotted so far was Ceasar's Mushroom (Amanita caesarea). I saw the version of the mushroom when it looked like orange eggs emerging from their veils. It's fascinating. The fact that it grew down an Alice in Wonderland-vibe path made it 100% more mythical. The mushrooms were leading you down the path on the edge of the mountain being surrounded by branches and leaves, it was awesome. There were also many big mushrooms as big as two hands combined. I always dreamed as a kid to be able to sit on them like they were chairs. If i would sit on them now they would get demolished. But the environment felt like i went on a fantasy adventure because there were so many abandoned ruins and islolated houses with random stuff in their yards. The view from the mountains were really sick and some paths were invisible because it got overgrown with weeds so we had to kind of guess our route sometimes using gps. Also Lochness story is kinda cool. But i hope Switzerland will be sick like that, more in a safe way though because i don't want to get lost.
May 15
Each time i want to go outside i want to visit new places i've never been before. But unfortunately i've already been to all the places near my house and around town. So the only places left are places 10km away from me. I'd love to go that far and even further than that but school is making me stay home most of my time now. I want to go on adventures man. i can't wait for summer to finally feel freedom again.
Today i was working on my endmovie in the basement of our school, because that's where the animators belong in here. Wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone because i felt like shit and i don't know what to say. Actually most of the time when i'm with certain classmates i just don't know what to say. They're fun and cool but it's just a me problem. I once played DnD with them and i had the feeling i had to be funny because everyone else was. It felt like i ruined the game sometimes because no one was laughing. Whenever they sometimes want to invite me to idk some christmas dinner or house warming i say no because i don't feel social at all with them at that point. I'm serious when i said they're cool but for some reason i feel like i would suffer so hard in their presence because it feels like i have to talk a lot and be funny, which i don't. But yea whatever i guess.
anyway i don't want to keep talking about school because it's the same story all over again. Man, i love soup so much. i ate vegetable soup with bits of pasta in it and it's so fucking good. i'd rather want to eat soup where you can eat the bits than when it is fully mashed, because else the taste feels empty and boring.
shit now i'm hungry again. i should be sleeping now.
May 11
Yesterday my shift was one big hell, because there were more than 200 people in the restaurant because of a party that was held, so ofcourse there was A LOT to clean. 160 people just came from a wedding and they were having an after party. The coolest part is that it was a dragshow and sometimes i saw drag queens walking around when i was putting plates back. They looked so beautiful like wow they're the most stunning and gorgeous people on this fine earth. I wished i could see the performances but unfortunately i was only able to imagine by the sounds of people cheering and celebrating.
After my shift was done i was having after drinks with colleagues. It was alright. Luckily my two friends ruby and, let's call her evelyn, worked today as well and i was mostly talking with evelyn because when it was 3am everyone left and other remaining colleagues, including ruby, still had to work. So me and evelyn were left for a bit. I felt the courage again to hangout with anyone soon, because she was like: 'yeah just call or text me, im always down to hangout, i'm pretty busy though but we'll figure it out.' I drank a bit too much so while we were talking i didn't felt good. She helped me barf in the toilet pulling my hair up. It my first time doing a power barf. It was one of her first time holding someone elses hair up while they barf. I'm normally used to sit through it, which is fucked up actually. But barfing is just so much faster but it feels uncomfortable. This time i HAD to, not because i felt something tingly in my stomach but it just had to come out for safety. I was scared to pass out so, after barfing i ran around the restaurant and i was dancing with evelyn behind the bar to sweat the alcohol out as well. idk how many, i think 2 beers and one wine glass. It's not much but it was because I hadn't eaten much before.
Everyone was done around 4. We were left with 6 people and we stayed till 5am. 'oh shit in one hour she's going to get here (to open up the restaurant).' one of my colleagues said. The sky cleared up and i could already hear the birds outside. They were chirping so loud because there was no human on the street in town probably.
I missed this feeling when you cycle home alone in the morning after a night out because i keep forgetting how beautiful morning light looks. And besides that you're alone and you can let everything sink in a little bit more. I had the urge to go to this bridge, that crosses over some traintracks, to see the sunrise, but i didn't wanted to worry my parents for coming home so late so i didn't go. Maybe next time.
May 9
Yesterday I stayed up until 4 to work on an essay. I have never written down so many silly things out of stress. It's like I wrote how to sit on a chair. no, but my essay was about to what extent an artist has to communicate with the viewer. you can already have an answer to it that it doesn't matter at all. but I still yapped about it in 1350 words to get a “special” statement out. to also let the school know what I've learned in these lectures. Some of the stuff we learn is pretty interesting but overall it's super shitty because it just gets in our way more with the amount of homework. but anyway, I finished it. I hope i don't have to retake it.
today i had creative writing and i really couldn't say anything at all. it felt like my vocal cords were in knots. and i suddenly felt those 5 hours of sleep kicking in. we had to tell your story in groups what you did during an exercise and i didn't really tell much about it. others make such great stories like damn, i wish i could play with those words too.
some stories were read to the class while I was drawing.
I plan to make a comic with surrealistic aspects incorporated. Now I am sitting making little comic pages about the things that come to mind at the time. So far, all those panels do connect to loneliness, but in a sort of semi-comfortable way. You feel lonely so you try to look for other things that don't make you feel that way, to the point that you live so much in your own head that you feel alienated in your own environment. doesn't sound comfortable but the comfortable thing in this case with my character is that she goes to really cool places as a temporary escape from everything. It feels weird to feel more alone among people than when you're really alone sometimes. There are also surreal and absurd moments in it where she sees random creatures walk by or even start talking to her. It is more to let the viewer know that we are in her head with her like some kind of day dream. yay, making imaginary friends. No but i don't want to make this one in a cliché weird way.
To be honest, it is based on things I experience though. But not everything in the story is the same, like where she would live and in what area and so on. Or what friends she has or what education she does, etc. Still have to figure all that out but so far there is a clear plan.
agh my head hurts
May 7
I slept a lot during the one week vacation, but i still feel like i'm not rested well. today i ate lunch around 12, searched up how a conclave goes because the pope died unfortunately and today they're voting for a new pope. May he rest in peace. I'm not religious though, only curious. Not everything will be told what really goes on inside the Sistine Chapel. That suddenly reminds me, my great great uncle was a kardinal till 2006, i'm not joking, i think it's pretty insane. My mom told me he said that they were praying A LOT during it. That's the only thing he could say about it because it's supposed to be a secret.
After that i immediately slept till 6 to eat dinner. I had an insane dream about painting a surreal artwork. Idk if i can paint it but i'm definitely going to draw it. You can read the entire dream in my dream journal.
It becomes more and more annoying these days that i feel so extremely tired. Yes i'd rather want to live in my good dreams because at least i'm doing something cool. But ofcourse i need to live in the real world because that's where your life is present. I'm already using my dreams as inspiration for art but i also realized some things from dreams are interesting to think about. There was this one quote i got in my dream someone said to me: 'yeah shit, being insecure can be tough man. But you know, comparing yourself to others is like comparing a paprika with a zucchini, or no wait, comparing pringles with a pineapple.' when i heard that i was confused first but in retrospect i think it's pretty obvious. But because of the extreme tiredness i can't do most homework at all and it bothers me so much. Yes i've been sleeping more before 12 but whathefuck man.
April 29
I love it when you're able to go outside with just a shirt at night. Well, it was still a bit chilly but i was still able to wear only a sweater.
I woke up at 10am to eat breakfast and then went to sleep till 5pm and i had the urge to go outside but couldn't get up. Finally after getting mad at myself i stepped out of bed, got dressed and ate first because i missed lunch. Dude i think i saw a white heron. It didn't look like a swan because it's beak was pointier. Anyways, i didn't know where to cycle so i just went sitting next to this bridge staring down at the water. I love bridges because of the view you get from there. Just any bridge doesn't matter if it's over a highway or a river. Also underneath feels chill but i don't want to be seen as a sketchy homeless person though. Whatever, i once sat underneath a bridge next to a river eating noodles and saw boats sailing by while a few of them waved at me, it's awesome. It feels private in a way but depends where you are. I lowkey want to go to a more private place underneath a bridge for a picknick or something, that'd be cool. I think i might know a place but idk if you're even able to go there.
recently i've been sleeping more and went to bed earlier. I think my body was like: 'okay quit staying up late till fucking 5am a week ago, now i'm going to put you in a coma from 10pm to 10am for dayss. No fuck that let's do 3pm.' But even if i get the right amount of sleep my brain is not working. If people want to work on a project or want to show me their work and want feedback, they got no use for me. But the upside is that i'm too tired to be stressed out at that point, so the day feels like a fever dream and i could give presentations with ease. Man, I need to find a right time to go to bed, like maybe 10pm. Nah wait maybe 9pm. Iknow that's hella early but my brain is fucked up to the point i don't even talk with people.
April 28
Today i fixed my ESTA for getting me in the US to meet my bf after 2 YEARS, and thank GOD i checked it on time. There were so many empty boxes... how did this go wrong. I filled in my ESTA on the Icelandair, iceland airline, website because they were warning me to get it as fast as possible. It's better to fill it in on the US Border and Customs website itself so that you're definitely sure everything is checked well.
Yeah dude it's my first time visiting the US and fuck it's NOT the best time to go there now. But yeah, do it for the plot. yep, i haven't met my bf in person yet so this will be the first time ever and i'm super excited and nervous.
We met online on insta. I saw him following me and i stalked his art account. I got immediately fascinated by his artstyle and his short animations (he kinda got the same artstyle as mine but different). I wanted to follow him but as i saw this one really sick illustration he made of zelda slicing a monster in pieces, i had such an evil plan: recreating that exact illustration in my style, posting that on my insta (without crediting him, idk, wtf was i on) and then follow him back so that i would be like 'oh WHAT that is SUCH a CoiNcIdEnce how could THAT happen ohMYGOD WOW haha.' While i was in the process of making it his friend send me a text that he, not the friend, wanted to be friends with me. NOO MY PLANN, it all went into shambles. But it was funny and sweet so i texted him back and he said his friend always does this and he continued complaining it was so funny. But he genuinely wanted to be friends and liked my art account though so yeah, sure i'd love to get a new friend. he started yapping a LOT and somehow it got easier for me to open up. We started to call almost every day to the point i woke up seeing him on my laptopscreen in bed, telling me goodmorning. The rest is history. Never thought my art would have such attraction that it would bring me to this point in my life.
April 27
When your brain is completely empty and only feelings are left.
April 26
I've been stuck in my room the entire day, just roaming trough thoughts. Eventually you're starting to think about everything you could've, have or haven't done and it can become extremely draining sometimes. I start to miss alot of things and i wished things went a certain way for a longer time but after a while things turn out to go different. We all know that and it will happen way more often than you think. But it's hard to adapt to that because how are you able to know which path you're going to walk on in an area where it's hidden? Where do you start to continue to still being able to balance everything in your life? Because i'm now at a point of isolation. Well, it has been for quite a while since the start of college. It's pretty common during this time, but it's extra hard when you have 1 or 2 friends outside of school to hang with. But i think it's definitely my own fault. A few people have been inviting me to hang and said to call them maybe, but the thing with anxiety is that it's literally being so fucking annoying. It just keeps you in a basement. A very nice and bad one to keep you distracted to not think about anyone and yourself. Between the books, games and art there are thoughts popping up that never left, and there you are, right in the middle in no mans land between countries. I didn't really know them, and i was afraid that it would happen again with the awkwardness and that they would eventually leave or ignore me. I wanted to get out but i kept postponing to call and never saw them. Maybe once per year now. They fucking cared and now i'm just being obnoxious towards myself and them. Sorry that it goes down to this so fast. I tend to overshare even when i'm with other people somewhere else and sometimes i just blare out things that i shouldn't have told because the situation or place is NOT right. A really weird thing i noticed recently is every time i hangout with ruby and her friend, who's slightly my friend too, i just feel like shit. Not because they're awful no they're really sweet but it's just that they do alot of cool stuff. And i don't know how i can do that. they're able to connect with others and got funny and crazy stories and all i got is just school, like i'm a background character, as always. and yeah it's so not okay to compare but i just don't want to waste my time like this. But at the same time i don't know if i have any energy left. Social anxiety was always there but it has worsened overtime. feeling of wanting to be there and do something gets replaced with scratching my ear open to find something to fidget with. It's crazy how it didnt got infected multiple times...but anyway, i hope i can change things for myself.
I found out today that my new cam has a pink 'punk' filter which is pretty cool. It's from the Olympus VG-130 14MP. It got so many settings, but this one is genuinely rad because you can fuck around with it so much. It's just very pixelated and the contrast is high.
I changed the colors here because why not.
April 25
After i got home i was thinking to read 'Palepoli' and it reminded me again of yesterday. I searched up more books made by the same author Usamaru Furuya and i forgot i also took a picture of 'Garden' i made in France again because i thought the cover looked cool. Apparently it ranged with different stories like horror/erotica/surrealism. The most mind-blowing thing was that i found one page that appeared in a book collection i read when i was 8. My dad bought a collection book of genre's ranging between erotic and horror panels, and i was allowed to fucking read that and got introduced by junji ito by that as well. But the book was actually genuinely good and i got captivated by the artstyles. Unfortunately the book got lost and i can't find it anywhere online. It's a very thick red book with a yellow cover, i thought, and it appears to be lost media now.
Update on today: uhm, i just read the manga 'Garden' and... all i can say be warned for chapter 7 (SA mentioned).
April 23
I'm not feeling well the entire day. In class i was trying to be productive but i couldn't say much. I hate myself.
People were talking about how they barely could manage their social life because of doing homework non-stop. I almost was about to rant to people how i almost don't have a social life anymore because i have only 2 friends + a bf all the way across the globe in the US. But those 2 friends slowly feel more distant because i experience so much anxiety everyday that i can't take it anymore. Everything feels too much but also too less. I want to do more things, but i don't want to be awkward around people to the point where they will ignore me. Happened too many times and i just don't know what to do now. I don't know where to go to make myself happy. Only to my bf's country but i hate their system.
I'm eating more healthy, drinking more water, sleeping before 12pm, i'm cycling everyday to school and i've been outside more, but it still doesn't help me feel more active. How are people able to connect so well? i just fail each time.
April 21
- I just took apple crumble pie and i still don't like it. I hate raisins and the apple tastes like slime. Also, it's super cold. I thought i would like it after years but no, my taste buds don't want to cooperate.
- It's so weird but if i have work starting at 7pm i can't do anything else that day because i don't want to forget work. I'll stay home doing homework or something instead of going outside. Even if i would have something else on that same day i mostly cancel. But recently i went to some band workshop given by Problem Patterns. It was really tight schedule because after playing on stage i had to leave immediately and i was stressed tf out. I shouldn't have joined it maybe, idk everyone were amateurs eventhough they played alright. I'm still proud of them ofcourse but TWO BASSISTS? I couldn't really play a cool riff on the bass because it was really really basic but it was still a bit fun i guess. I have played in multiple bands before but they all died unfortunately. NOT THE BAND MEMBERS NOT THE BAND MEMBERS. everyone else got busy. I really really want to join a punk band so bad. punk doesn't have to be really hard to play, it's actually pretty easy but i'd like to add some extra spice on the bass you know while playing really fast. + it feels so good to listen to it and play.
- Maybe i'm going to add some entries from 2024 from my physical diary because all the pages are filled with drawings and collages which i think would be cool to show.
- some friends texted to visit this random guy again we met in the area near flute camp. he's in his 40's and yes he's pretty chill ngl. he gave us a tour around his house and he painted the walls, the stairs, some dolls and other paintings when he took LSD. we were just chilling with that guy and his wife most during camp. Yeah it was kinda weird, 17/18 year olds visiting a random person in their 40s. His friend was really really suspicious tho, because he wanted to take a picture with only the girls so incredibly bad it was awful. But luckily that guy held him back saying he may shut up and leave us alone. btw he also had a forest of weed in his backyard.
Anyways, i can probably visit him again with my friends. I haven't seen anyone in a long time anyways.
Also people were texting that they're going to belgitek which is an illegal rave somewhere in belgium. You can only join through mutuals and i thought it would be rad to join. Someone else asked if they could join. 'yes ofcourse!! i'll add you to the group' my friend said. But when i asked she said: 'well...uhm i don't know...we don't have any place left anymore... i'll throw you in the group, but there will be no transport available.' she didn't put me in the group. never mind then. i shouldn't be overthinking about this because it is what it is. Maybe there is just literally no place left.
April 20
I actually made this site today. I put the rest of the other entries in here because i decided to not put it on my other site that's kind of dying. And because people i know have seen my website and i don't want them to read these so this is going to be more personal.
The entries i put in here were from a wack photo journal but now i'd rather want to switch to just this with less photo's. I had more entries but they were just photo's and i don't want to show all of them because of privacy reasons.
Anyways, so basically this one feels like an official first entry. Oh Wow oN FoUr TwEnTy oh haha wooww, it's toime fOr a sm0oke i guEss.
Nah have done that for a long time and always got headaches after.